The Bad Trailer

There are some film trailers that leave you desperate for more. The first time I saw Independence Day advertised in a cinema left me pining for July 4th, the date America sealed its independence from hostile alien invaders. The trailer so enamoured me that I genuinely thought the term “Independence Day” was coined by Roland Emmerich specifically for this movie. I also thought Bill Pullman was one of the world’s leading actors. I’ll let you judge which was the more outrageous thought.

More recently, The Dark Knight trailer proved to be a rousing success, leaving film fans in agonising anticipation for what felt like about five years. I can still hear “Good evening, commm--missioner” when I turn out the lights at bed time. Chilling.

The truth is, it’s rare you see a bad trailer. You will of course see a trailer for a film you know you’ll hate, but the trailer itself will have done its best to convince you otherwise. Unfortunately, it just couldn’t prevent from showing you Matthew McConaughey.

Yet however rare it is, the bad trailer still exists. It exists because sometimes a film is so abject that not even two and a half minutes of specially chosen footage can provide a redeeming feature, a cause for optimism.

Dear John appears to be one such film.

It looks like we’re in trouble from the get go of the trailer. Then after 22 seconds, “From Best-Selling Author Nicholas Sparks” appears on screen, and now we know we’re in trouble. I don’t know if the dialogue was lifted straight from the source material or if it was modified during the transition from book to screen, but it is seriously, seriously crap. The worst I’ve heard since Lucky You. Here are some choice examples:

Dear John demonstrating the abuse of the short sentence:

I like your Dad. He loves you. I can tell. Even if you can’t.

This is why Dear John Scares me:

- The way people act around you, it’s like they’re scared of you.
- Maybe they’re scared of who I used to be.
- You don’t scare me, John.
- Well you scare me.

Way to ruin the best line in the film:

- I’ll see ya soon.
- I’ll see ya soon.

Dear John on the philosophy of letter writing:

Dear John. Tell me everything. Write it all down. That way we’ll be with each other all the time, even when we’re not with each other at all.

Dear John not so much trailing off as simply stopping mid sentence:

All I know is that I want to stay here with you as long as I possible can. And I need you to tell me I don’t.

Tell me, have you ever seen a trailer quite like it? A trailer that can make you laugh and vomit in equal measure? If so, please show it to me.

I have to hand it to Nicholas Sparks, mind. The man (he is a man, right?) produces some of the most commercial pornography literature aimed at women out there. He has tapped into a lucrative zeitgeist, and is boldly going where no man has gone before. How is it he writes for women so well? Here’s what an angry, paranoid Nicholas Sparks might say in response:

I think I’m writing for men, and then I take away reason and accountability.

Anyway, all that aside, who wants to go see it with me? Seriously.