The Hills

I watch a lot of awful television shows. Occasionally I write about them. While the following will certainly alienate a large percentage of my readership, I'm sure a few of you with low standards for both what you watch and what you read will stick around to digest some of my biggest offering on this blog so far.

In the words of a Galway city pastor, it's long, but at least it's slow.

The episode

The Hills - Season 2 Episode 1: A Recap

Preamble:

The Hills is an MTV-produced television show that stands on the shoulders of giants. Ever since John Logie Baird decided he needed a new way to avoid interacting with his family, television has been slowly building towards this climactic event. In the interest of brevity, I’ll mention only the tip of the ice-berg.

In the middle of ‘the noughties’ (a clumsy term that sounds like the name of a camp Korean girl band forcedhand-picked to infiltrate the English-speaking pop market), The O.C. captured the imaginations of anyone from roughly the age of 12 up. Girls were attracted to the show for the usual reasons, but the breadth of its appeal did not end with the fairer sex. The creators of The O.C. gave us iconic characters such as Sandy Cohen, a guy women wanted to be and men wanted to be with. There were also the comic stylings of neo-nerd Seth Cohen to enjoy, which contrasted neatly with the pseudo-brutality of the lost boy from the wrong side of the tracks; the one they called “Chino”. Like a sadistic Robin Hood, he beat up the rich to gratify the poor. And oh were we gratified. (“You know what I like about rich kids? Nothin’! **bam!**)

In short, the first season of The O.C. was a riotous success. Then came season two, and it all started to go pear-shaped for our Orange County friends. Nevertheless, like the determined broadcasters of all successful TV shows, Fox wouldn’t let dwindling quality stop them from making a sackful of money, so they simply kept churning out crap until someone somewhere decided they’d had their fill (of either money or crap…let the reader decide). Still, season four of The O.C. did give us more Taylor Townsend, so far be it from me to complain.

Meanwhile, on the fringes of adequate television and never one to shy away from making a quick buck, MTV spotted the public’s fascination with fictional O.C. characters and decided it was time to put a bucket under this cash cow and just start squeezing and squeezing. Their udder of choice was an evolved version of the one that had make Fox so filthy rich proud of the work they’d done. MTV would offer us not a mere fictional account of life in affluent California, but “The real Orange County” (which looks a lot like the fictional account of life in affluent California, it must be said). With that decision Laguna Beach was born, which was a sort of cross between reality TV and teen drama: a frightening combination.

After a couple of seasons at the forefront of MTV’s programming -- beating off strong competition from Wanna Come in? and Dismissed in the process -- a spin-off show was inevitable.

That show was The Hills. Lauren Conrad left the luxury of Laguna Beach for the big smoke of Los Angeles, and with her she brought a bunch of more-than-willing cameramen, a few friends, and lots and lots of hair bands. Her plan was to attend fashion college (yes, I know), and get an internship at Teen vogue. The first season of The Hills showed how that plan unfolded.

Therein lies a brief history of the show about to be recapped. As I get ready to begin proper, you may be wondering what a 24 year old guy is doing watching (and writing about) a show that chronicles the life of a girl attending fashion college and working with a style magazine aimed at teenage girls. I can offer no reasons. Or at least no good ones. You’ll simply have to make of it what you will. I’ll stand firm on the words of the Bible - Only God can judge me. Or was that Tupac? I’m always getting those two mixed up.

If you’re concerned for my dignity and self-respect, fear not; I happily parted ways with those things when Dawson’s Creek became unmissable television about eight years ago.

The Recap

To set us up, here, in a nutshell, is how season one ended. Lauren (L.C. to you and me) had to decide between either going to Paris on a summer internship with Teen vogue or hanging out with her boyfriend Jason all summer. Ah, life’s classic dilemma: career or men? We’ve all had to make that choice at some point, am I right? And so which would Lauren choose? Dra-ma!

If you knew anything about Jason, it was a no-brainer. He spent the best part of season one making apologies: Apologies for hurting Lauren in the past, apologies for ignoring Lauren on her birthday, apologies for his beard. Honestly, I was sure Lauren would go with the wise career move and head off to Paris, but in what turned out to be one of the few genuine surprises in the show she actually chose a summer with Jason, her boring significant other with the crap beard.

In Lauren’s place, fellow Teen vogue intern Whitney got to go to Paris and sample life in the fashion capital of the world. Meanwhile, the newly single Heidi -- Lauren’s frivolous roommate -- stayed in L.A. for the summer with her friend Audrina (clearly a made up name), with plans to get up to no good and all that.

Lauren’s recap of season one informs us of all of the above, and then fills us in on the summer just passed. Audrina got a new job at Epic Records, where she sits behind a large desk on her own as a receptionist…just like in her old job. The word “lateral” springs to mind. Heidi actually made some advances in her career, receiving as she did a promotion from her employers “Bolthouse”, a company whose purpose still escapes me. Given that Heidi spent the majority of her first year in the company fetching sandwiches for her boss, I suppose there was only one direction she could go. But still, a promotion is a promotion, and now she gets to “work the door at L.A.’s hottest club”. I can only assume that sentence is not meant to be taken literally.

We’re then introduced to Spencer, Heidi’s new boyfriend whom she met in the line of duty. But, and here’s the good part, Spencer is also “seeing” Heidi’s friend Audrina on the side. It remains unclear whether Heidi knows anything at all about this. Ooh! Dra-ma! As for Lauren, her summer of hanging out with Jason didn’t quite go according to plan. Assuming her plan was to actually enjoy spending time with Jason, I think I’m beginning to see where it fell down. “Finally” she says, “we broke up”; surely a statement of relief as much as anything.

Lauren pulls up outside a house in her shiny Mercedes convertible, wearing a black outfit that actually matches her car [!]. You don’t go to fashion college for nothing, I suppose. She has a sad look on her face, clearly still feeling the effects of the break-up. The same can’t be said for Jason, however, who comes out of the house with a smile on his face saying “Yeah! Golf clubs!” If Lauren was having second thoughts about the break-up, I think those lingering doubts have been put to bed.

She saunters around the car in a minor hissy fit, dropping a bag of Jason’s stuff on the footpath rather dramatically. Jason inspects the contents of the car, and complains that “These aren’t my towels”. How dare you, Lauren! The joy of getting his golf clubs back appears to have waned, but Jason just about maintains his smiley demeanour. He’s really taking this whole break-up thing rather well. A little too well, perhaps.

“What am I supposed to do with all this?” he asks. Well, the stuff is yours, Jason, so do with it what you please. May I suggest taking the nine iron to Lauren’s Merc while threatening to unleash it on her if she doesn’t get back together with you? If I know anything about relationships, that can only end well for you.

Lauren says that she didn’t see this relationship ending with her dropping Jason’s stuff on a curb, seemingly unaware that she is the one who decided to end the relationship by dropping Jason’s stuff on a curb. She begins to cry a little, but Jason quickly puts a stop to it. He tries to console Lauren by telling her that at least he got a new golf set out of the relationship (Lauren bought them for his birthday last year), but this only makes matters worse. Okay so he doesn’t stoop that low. He merely asks if they can still be “buddies”. Lauren isn’t so sure, but for some reason Jason isn’t getting it. (By the way, he’s still smiling as all of this is going on. What’s up with that?) The scene ends with a light hug, and Lauren drives away in a sorry state. Jason, on the other hand, whips out his phone and books a 2pm tee time as he shouts “Thanks for the clubs!” in his distraught ex’s general direction. Men, eh?

Cut to the opening credits.

We rejoin the action at “Bolthouse Offices, Hollywood, CA”. There’s a staff meeting (featuring Heidi) in progress, where Brent Bolthouse is talking about the opening of “Area”, the hottest new club in L.A. Brent wants it to be an “old school Hollywood opening”, which consists of “red carpet”, “media” and….well…um. That appears to be it - red carpet and media. Isn’t that what basically every opening consists of? Next Brent will tells us about the “old school Hollywood” way of consuming beverages that he wants happening on the night, which consists of putting “drinks” into your “mouth”. In a company with this man at the helm, it is little wonder that someone as clueless as Heidi is quickly climbing the corporate ladder.

Heidi will be the hostess for the event, and since there is a lot of work to be done before the big opening, Brent asks that she not bug him. Well, it’s better than him asking her to go make him a sandwich. There’s that promotion effect kicking in.

We’re then treated to another “work” scene at Epic Records, in which Audrina decides to give Heidi a call. Heidi sees who’s calling her, however, and lets it go to voice mail. Unlike most normal people, however, Audrina actually leaves a message. She claims to not know what’s going on (oh but you do, Audrina, if that is a real name) and wonders if Heidi is “mad” at her. She is, but “passive aggressive” is the order of the day. Women, eh?

And what’s this? A third work scene in a row? Who do they think they’re fooling? Anyway, Lauren makes her way to that cosy little room where she and Whitney chat all day while browsing the internet work. Whitney walks into the room shortly after, and the two catch up on their respective summers. Whitney describes life in Paris; full of fashion shows, and dresses, and photoshoots. Lauren, as she hears about what might have been, thinks about what was - and immediately wants to kill herself…or maybe Jason. L.C. actually elaborates on where it all went wrong between the two, citing “the same fights every day” as the main reason. I can only assume they went something like this:

Lauren: Why do you love those damn golf clubs more than me!?

Jason [as he gently caresses his sandwedge and whispers sweet nothings into the club face]: Um, no I don’t.

The two girls are then summoned to Lisa Love’s office, with Lisa Love being the “West Coast Editor” of Teen vogue, and Shirley Phelps lookalike. I also imagine Lisa to live alone with a bunch of cats, but I’m open to being wrong about that. The three women exchange pleasantries for a minute or so, until hard-ball Lisa asks about the summer just passed. Whitney gushes about how great Paris was, with Lisa replying that “that was a great choice to make”. Ooh, burn! As if the dig at Lauren wasn’t clear enough, Lisa spells it out for everyone: “Lauren didn’t go to Paris”. It’s true, but at least she got to spend the summer with her boyfr….Oh, yeah, right.

With Lauren feeling about this small, Lisa asks her if she regrets the decision. Lauren sheepishly nods her head, and looks for the nearest window to jump out of. Lisa isn’t letting her off that easily though, and continues to dance on her grave like the tough business woman that she is. “So how was your summer at the beach with your boyfriend? Did that work out for you?”, she asks, though I expect she already knows the answer. An embarrassed shake of the head is about all a broken Lauren can muster up. Lisa seems suitably proud of herself for making Lauren look quite the fool, but you get the feeling she’s a little disappointed not to have made her cry. They don’t call her Lisa “Tough” Love for nothing, I guess. (They don’t call her that at all, actually, but I think they should.)

Work is finally over, and we find ourselves hanging out with Lauren and Heidi in their apartment. It’s not as fun as it sounds, because Lauren is still in a pissy mood over that whole break-up thing. I thought the “Yeah! Golf clubs!” would have alleviated the pain a little bit, or at least turned it into something more manageable like hatred, but not so. She claims she broke up with Jason because she “was sad of crying every day”. Of course the irony is that she is crying now because “he’s not here to make me stop”. Her reasoning is deeply flawed, but since when is love reasonable, especially when a set of Calloway golf clubs is in the mix?

Lauren says that “it’s like losing your best friend”. Well, yes it is. But in another way, it’s like losing that Nicklback record you always liked. It hurts initially, but after a couple of days you’ll see the light and wonder just what the hell you were thinking in the first place.

Heidi consoles Lauren by informing her that “so many guys” have been asking if she is single. Lauren can only reply, “I hate being single. I’m not good at it”. Lauren, if you’re reading this, my number is 0851491941*. Call me. Any time.

It’s date night for Heidi and Spencer. They go to Spencer’s favourite Mexican restaurant, where conversation quickly steers in the direction of Audrina. They muse about whether she’ll be at L.A.’s hottest club for the grand opening on Thursday, but apparently all the people Heidi works with hate Audrina, so…they won’t let her in? Is that the old school Hollywood way? It wasn’t on Brent Bolthouse’s extensive list of criteria, but it’s vaguely possible that he missed out on one or two little things.

Heidi has gotten wind of Audrina and Spencer hanging out, but Spencer denies such a thing ever occurring over the summer. Heidi then asks if Audrina was hitting on Spencer, and -- seemingly forgetting that he just stated he and Audrina never hung out roughly seven seconds ago -- he says it was just a “friend vibe” between the two. Heidi and Spencer then proceed to label Audrina as something close to clinically insane. I have no idea how they reached that conclusion, but it’s funny, so I’ll let it slide.

Spencer rounds the evening off by declaring himself supremely happy to be dating two beautiful girls at once sharing dinner with Heidi Montag, who remains as clueless as ever. We get a final shot of them walking up to Spencer’s pad. He asks Heidi if she’s staying over. “Yeah!” is her quick reply, said to the effect of “Duh…of course!” Ever the classy girl, is Heidi.

We’re back at Lauren and Heidi’s apartment the morning after, where Heidi walks in all smitten with the wonderful Spencer. Lauren is convinced that Spencer loves Heidi because he hides behind her back when he talks to other women. Lauren was also convinced that three months alone with Jason would be time well spent, however, so let’s not jump to conclusions just yet.

The next contrivance scene shows us the foolishness of Lauren’s words. Spencer is sitting with Audrina for a coffee and a flirt. He has given her a bunch of flowers, which perhaps even trumps hiding behind someone’s back on the scale of romance. Audrina starts complaining about Heidi not liking her, but can’t understand why. Neither can Spencer, who rhetorically asks “How do you not like you?” He then proceeds to invite Audrina to his favourite Mexican restaurant, where presumably he will talk about how crazy Heidi is and how happy he is to be eating hot food with the girl of his dreams. Spencer you dawg! By the way, isn’t it odd that he’s dating two girls at the one time, and they both know it?

After the literally minutes of thinking and planning that went into it, we’re finally treated to the grand opening of "Area" (it's L.A.'s hottest new club, don't you know). All -- that is, all two -- of Brent’s boxes have been ticked, with red carpet and media in full swing. Hey, it really is just like old school Hollywood! Lauren is there with her friend Jen. I hope they are very, very drunk at this point, for both their sakes. Jen tries to implement the “clock” system for subtly pointing out someone attractive, but gets it all so horribly wrong. It’s all irrelevant, however, because Lauren doesn’t actually understand the system to begin with. That module isn’t due up until year two of fashion college, presumably. Eventually Jen just points to the guy and says “11 o’clock”, thus defeating the purpose of the clock system, not to mention getting her time wrong. (He’s actually at about 2 o’clock, for future reference.)

Meanwhile, Heidi pretends to look busy outside by holding a clip board. (That was an old trick I used to pull when working in a supermarket. My motto was that if I walked around with a clip board then I automatically looked like I was up to something. This holds true for a ladder also.) Working the door at L.A.’s hottest new club takes a turn for the worst, however, when Spencer prances down the red carpet with Audrina by his side. Yep, Spencer definitely loves you, Heidi. If it’s any consolation, at least he didn’t hide behind Audrina when they bumped into you.

Inside the club, dra-ma ensues. Heidi and Spencer start bickering and arguing over who came to the club with who. Spencer swears on his mother’s life that he didn’t come to the club with Audrina, even though Heidi just saw him waltz down the red carpet with the girl with the made up name. Clearly Spencer doesn’t value the life of his mother all that much. In the midst of it all, Audrina just wants to be “the bigger person”, which in most cases would mean backing off and letting Heidi and Spencer sort their problems out. In Audrina’s world, the bigger person lets Spencer give you a massage in the middle of a club. There, that ought to sort this whole mess out, right? Err….

Heidi retreats to the outdoors as Spencer and Audrina dance the night away. Heidi moans with her random friend about Audrina, and even calls her nemesis a bad name. (No, not her real name. The “B” word.) Foreboding music plays us to a break in the action.

We’re back at Bolthouse the next morning, where no doubt Brent is masterminding his next event. Heidi is talking things over with her colleague, whose insight into Heidi’s love life amounts to “That sucks”. With those powers of perception I’m assuming she’s Brent’s second in command. Meanwhile, in a parallel “work” scene, Audrina is talking to her colleague about the same thing. What she’s saying doesn’t quite add up with what we saw that night in Area, but I’d be lying if I said I cared. Audrina’s colleague sums it all up in a nice little package: “Dra-ma”.

Sad music plays as Heidi drives to a pharmacy and buys…something. She mopes back home and goes straight to her room, possibly to kill herself. Alas, things aren’t quite so dramatic, but there is the small matter of Heidi’s mysterious purchase being a pregnancy test. Will she be the mother of Spencer’s child? A positive answer to that question might actually be a valid reason for her to end it all, but for that information you will have to tune in elsewhere.


* Not actually my number, but close.