Rev

I can't. It's a calling, isn't it? I can't be uncalled for the day. Anyway, I've gotta go and do school assembly for Ellie and get cross-examined by a whole load of atheist 9-year-olds.

- Rev. Adam Smallbone

***********

I tend to find congregations prefer Corn Flakes to Museli, theologically speaking.

- The Archdeacon

Just some of the choice moments in the BBC2 show Rev., which is about the life of an inner city vicar struggling to find meaning in his vocation. That premise won't appeal to most, but if it does then you're in for a treat, because Rev is refreshingly honest, perceptive, and genuinely funny. It's also strangely uplifting, but that's another post for another day.

The Hills

I watch a lot of awful television shows. Occasionally I write about them. While the following will certainly alienate a large percentage of my readership, I'm sure a few of you with low standards for both what you watch and what you read will stick around to digest some of my biggest offering on this blog so far.

In the words of a Galway city pastor, it's long, but at least it's slow.

The episode

The Hills - Season 2 Episode 1: A Recap

Preamble:

The Hills is an MTV-produced television show that stands on the shoulders of giants. Ever since John Logie Baird decided he needed a new way to avoid interacting with his family, television has been slowly building towards this climactic event. In the interest of brevity, I’ll mention only the tip of the ice-berg.

In the middle of ‘the noughties’ (a clumsy term that sounds like the name of a camp Korean girl band forcedhand-picked to infiltrate the English-speaking pop market), The O.C. captured the imaginations of anyone from roughly the age of 12 up. Girls were attracted to the show for the usual reasons, but the breadth of its appeal did not end with the fairer sex. The creators of The O.C. gave us iconic characters such as Sandy Cohen, a guy women wanted to be and men wanted to be with. There were also the comic stylings of neo-nerd Seth Cohen to enjoy, which contrasted neatly with the pseudo-brutality of the lost boy from the wrong side of the tracks; the one they called “Chino”. Like a sadistic Robin Hood, he beat up the rich to gratify the poor. And oh were we gratified. (“You know what I like about rich kids? Nothin’! **bam!**)

In short, the first season of The O.C. was a riotous success. Then came season two, and it all started to go pear-shaped for our Orange County friends. Nevertheless, like the determined broadcasters of all successful TV shows, Fox wouldn’t let dwindling quality stop them from making a sackful of money, so they simply kept churning out crap until someone somewhere decided they’d had their fill (of either money or crap…let the reader decide). Still, season four of The O.C. did give us more Taylor Townsend, so far be it from me to complain.

Meanwhile, on the fringes of adequate television and never one to shy away from making a quick buck, MTV spotted the public’s fascination with fictional O.C. characters and decided it was time to put a bucket under this cash cow and just start squeezing and squeezing. Their udder of choice was an evolved version of the one that had make Fox so filthy rich proud of the work they’d done. MTV would offer us not a mere fictional account of life in affluent California, but “The real Orange County” (which looks a lot like the fictional account of life in affluent California, it must be said). With that decision Laguna Beach was born, which was a sort of cross between reality TV and teen drama: a frightening combination.

After a couple of seasons at the forefront of MTV’s programming -- beating off strong competition from Wanna Come in? and Dismissed in the process -- a spin-off show was inevitable.

That show was The Hills. Lauren Conrad left the luxury of Laguna Beach for the big smoke of Los Angeles, and with her she brought a bunch of more-than-willing cameramen, a few friends, and lots and lots of hair bands. Her plan was to attend fashion college (yes, I know), and get an internship at Teen vogue. The first season of The Hills showed how that plan unfolded.

Therein lies a brief history of the show about to be recapped. As I get ready to begin proper, you may be wondering what a 24 year old guy is doing watching (and writing about) a show that chronicles the life of a girl attending fashion college and working with a style magazine aimed at teenage girls. I can offer no reasons. Or at least no good ones. You’ll simply have to make of it what you will. I’ll stand firm on the words of the Bible - Only God can judge me. Or was that Tupac? I’m always getting those two mixed up.

If you’re concerned for my dignity and self-respect, fear not; I happily parted ways with those things when Dawson’s Creek became unmissable television about eight years ago.

The Recap

To set us up, here, in a nutshell, is how season one ended. Lauren (L.C. to you and me) had to decide between either going to Paris on a summer internship with Teen vogue or hanging out with her boyfriend Jason all summer. Ah, life’s classic dilemma: career or men? We’ve all had to make that choice at some point, am I right? And so which would Lauren choose? Dra-ma!

If you knew anything about Jason, it was a no-brainer. He spent the best part of season one making apologies: Apologies for hurting Lauren in the past, apologies for ignoring Lauren on her birthday, apologies for his beard. Honestly, I was sure Lauren would go with the wise career move and head off to Paris, but in what turned out to be one of the few genuine surprises in the show she actually chose a summer with Jason, her boring significant other with the crap beard.

In Lauren’s place, fellow Teen vogue intern Whitney got to go to Paris and sample life in the fashion capital of the world. Meanwhile, the newly single Heidi -- Lauren’s frivolous roommate -- stayed in L.A. for the summer with her friend Audrina (clearly a made up name), with plans to get up to no good and all that.

Lauren’s recap of season one informs us of all of the above, and then fills us in on the summer just passed. Audrina got a new job at Epic Records, where she sits behind a large desk on her own as a receptionist…just like in her old job. The word “lateral” springs to mind. Heidi actually made some advances in her career, receiving as she did a promotion from her employers “Bolthouse”, a company whose purpose still escapes me. Given that Heidi spent the majority of her first year in the company fetching sandwiches for her boss, I suppose there was only one direction she could go. But still, a promotion is a promotion, and now she gets to “work the door at L.A.’s hottest club”. I can only assume that sentence is not meant to be taken literally.

We’re then introduced to Spencer, Heidi’s new boyfriend whom she met in the line of duty. But, and here’s the good part, Spencer is also “seeing” Heidi’s friend Audrina on the side. It remains unclear whether Heidi knows anything at all about this. Ooh! Dra-ma! As for Lauren, her summer of hanging out with Jason didn’t quite go according to plan. Assuming her plan was to actually enjoy spending time with Jason, I think I’m beginning to see where it fell down. “Finally” she says, “we broke up”; surely a statement of relief as much as anything.

Lauren pulls up outside a house in her shiny Mercedes convertible, wearing a black outfit that actually matches her car [!]. You don’t go to fashion college for nothing, I suppose. She has a sad look on her face, clearly still feeling the effects of the break-up. The same can’t be said for Jason, however, who comes out of the house with a smile on his face saying “Yeah! Golf clubs!” If Lauren was having second thoughts about the break-up, I think those lingering doubts have been put to bed.

She saunters around the car in a minor hissy fit, dropping a bag of Jason’s stuff on the footpath rather dramatically. Jason inspects the contents of the car, and complains that “These aren’t my towels”. How dare you, Lauren! The joy of getting his golf clubs back appears to have waned, but Jason just about maintains his smiley demeanour. He’s really taking this whole break-up thing rather well. A little too well, perhaps.

“What am I supposed to do with all this?” he asks. Well, the stuff is yours, Jason, so do with it what you please. May I suggest taking the nine iron to Lauren’s Merc while threatening to unleash it on her if she doesn’t get back together with you? If I know anything about relationships, that can only end well for you.

Lauren says that she didn’t see this relationship ending with her dropping Jason’s stuff on a curb, seemingly unaware that she is the one who decided to end the relationship by dropping Jason’s stuff on a curb. She begins to cry a little, but Jason quickly puts a stop to it. He tries to console Lauren by telling her that at least he got a new golf set out of the relationship (Lauren bought them for his birthday last year), but this only makes matters worse. Okay so he doesn’t stoop that low. He merely asks if they can still be “buddies”. Lauren isn’t so sure, but for some reason Jason isn’t getting it. (By the way, he’s still smiling as all of this is going on. What’s up with that?) The scene ends with a light hug, and Lauren drives away in a sorry state. Jason, on the other hand, whips out his phone and books a 2pm tee time as he shouts “Thanks for the clubs!” in his distraught ex’s general direction. Men, eh?

Cut to the opening credits.

We rejoin the action at “Bolthouse Offices, Hollywood, CA”. There’s a staff meeting (featuring Heidi) in progress, where Brent Bolthouse is talking about the opening of “Area”, the hottest new club in L.A. Brent wants it to be an “old school Hollywood opening”, which consists of “red carpet”, “media” and….well…um. That appears to be it - red carpet and media. Isn’t that what basically every opening consists of? Next Brent will tells us about the “old school Hollywood” way of consuming beverages that he wants happening on the night, which consists of putting “drinks” into your “mouth”. In a company with this man at the helm, it is little wonder that someone as clueless as Heidi is quickly climbing the corporate ladder.

Heidi will be the hostess for the event, and since there is a lot of work to be done before the big opening, Brent asks that she not bug him. Well, it’s better than him asking her to go make him a sandwich. There’s that promotion effect kicking in.

We’re then treated to another “work” scene at Epic Records, in which Audrina decides to give Heidi a call. Heidi sees who’s calling her, however, and lets it go to voice mail. Unlike most normal people, however, Audrina actually leaves a message. She claims to not know what’s going on (oh but you do, Audrina, if that is a real name) and wonders if Heidi is “mad” at her. She is, but “passive aggressive” is the order of the day. Women, eh?

And what’s this? A third work scene in a row? Who do they think they’re fooling? Anyway, Lauren makes her way to that cosy little room where she and Whitney chat all day while browsing the internet work. Whitney walks into the room shortly after, and the two catch up on their respective summers. Whitney describes life in Paris; full of fashion shows, and dresses, and photoshoots. Lauren, as she hears about what might have been, thinks about what was - and immediately wants to kill herself…or maybe Jason. L.C. actually elaborates on where it all went wrong between the two, citing “the same fights every day” as the main reason. I can only assume they went something like this:

Lauren: Why do you love those damn golf clubs more than me!?

Jason [as he gently caresses his sandwedge and whispers sweet nothings into the club face]: Um, no I don’t.

The two girls are then summoned to Lisa Love’s office, with Lisa Love being the “West Coast Editor” of Teen vogue, and Shirley Phelps lookalike. I also imagine Lisa to live alone with a bunch of cats, but I’m open to being wrong about that. The three women exchange pleasantries for a minute or so, until hard-ball Lisa asks about the summer just passed. Whitney gushes about how great Paris was, with Lisa replying that “that was a great choice to make”. Ooh, burn! As if the dig at Lauren wasn’t clear enough, Lisa spells it out for everyone: “Lauren didn’t go to Paris”. It’s true, but at least she got to spend the summer with her boyfr….Oh, yeah, right.

With Lauren feeling about this small, Lisa asks her if she regrets the decision. Lauren sheepishly nods her head, and looks for the nearest window to jump out of. Lisa isn’t letting her off that easily though, and continues to dance on her grave like the tough business woman that she is. “So how was your summer at the beach with your boyfriend? Did that work out for you?”, she asks, though I expect she already knows the answer. An embarrassed shake of the head is about all a broken Lauren can muster up. Lisa seems suitably proud of herself for making Lauren look quite the fool, but you get the feeling she’s a little disappointed not to have made her cry. They don’t call her Lisa “Tough” Love for nothing, I guess. (They don’t call her that at all, actually, but I think they should.)

Work is finally over, and we find ourselves hanging out with Lauren and Heidi in their apartment. It’s not as fun as it sounds, because Lauren is still in a pissy mood over that whole break-up thing. I thought the “Yeah! Golf clubs!” would have alleviated the pain a little bit, or at least turned it into something more manageable like hatred, but not so. She claims she broke up with Jason because she “was sad of crying every day”. Of course the irony is that she is crying now because “he’s not here to make me stop”. Her reasoning is deeply flawed, but since when is love reasonable, especially when a set of Calloway golf clubs is in the mix?

Lauren says that “it’s like losing your best friend”. Well, yes it is. But in another way, it’s like losing that Nicklback record you always liked. It hurts initially, but after a couple of days you’ll see the light and wonder just what the hell you were thinking in the first place.

Heidi consoles Lauren by informing her that “so many guys” have been asking if she is single. Lauren can only reply, “I hate being single. I’m not good at it”. Lauren, if you’re reading this, my number is 0851491941*. Call me. Any time.

It’s date night for Heidi and Spencer. They go to Spencer’s favourite Mexican restaurant, where conversation quickly steers in the direction of Audrina. They muse about whether she’ll be at L.A.’s hottest club for the grand opening on Thursday, but apparently all the people Heidi works with hate Audrina, so…they won’t let her in? Is that the old school Hollywood way? It wasn’t on Brent Bolthouse’s extensive list of criteria, but it’s vaguely possible that he missed out on one or two little things.

Heidi has gotten wind of Audrina and Spencer hanging out, but Spencer denies such a thing ever occurring over the summer. Heidi then asks if Audrina was hitting on Spencer, and -- seemingly forgetting that he just stated he and Audrina never hung out roughly seven seconds ago -- he says it was just a “friend vibe” between the two. Heidi and Spencer then proceed to label Audrina as something close to clinically insane. I have no idea how they reached that conclusion, but it’s funny, so I’ll let it slide.

Spencer rounds the evening off by declaring himself supremely happy to be dating two beautiful girls at once sharing dinner with Heidi Montag, who remains as clueless as ever. We get a final shot of them walking up to Spencer’s pad. He asks Heidi if she’s staying over. “Yeah!” is her quick reply, said to the effect of “Duh…of course!” Ever the classy girl, is Heidi.

We’re back at Lauren and Heidi’s apartment the morning after, where Heidi walks in all smitten with the wonderful Spencer. Lauren is convinced that Spencer loves Heidi because he hides behind her back when he talks to other women. Lauren was also convinced that three months alone with Jason would be time well spent, however, so let’s not jump to conclusions just yet.

The next contrivance scene shows us the foolishness of Lauren’s words. Spencer is sitting with Audrina for a coffee and a flirt. He has given her a bunch of flowers, which perhaps even trumps hiding behind someone’s back on the scale of romance. Audrina starts complaining about Heidi not liking her, but can’t understand why. Neither can Spencer, who rhetorically asks “How do you not like you?” He then proceeds to invite Audrina to his favourite Mexican restaurant, where presumably he will talk about how crazy Heidi is and how happy he is to be eating hot food with the girl of his dreams. Spencer you dawg! By the way, isn’t it odd that he’s dating two girls at the one time, and they both know it?

After the literally minutes of thinking and planning that went into it, we’re finally treated to the grand opening of "Area" (it's L.A.'s hottest new club, don't you know). All -- that is, all two -- of Brent’s boxes have been ticked, with red carpet and media in full swing. Hey, it really is just like old school Hollywood! Lauren is there with her friend Jen. I hope they are very, very drunk at this point, for both their sakes. Jen tries to implement the “clock” system for subtly pointing out someone attractive, but gets it all so horribly wrong. It’s all irrelevant, however, because Lauren doesn’t actually understand the system to begin with. That module isn’t due up until year two of fashion college, presumably. Eventually Jen just points to the guy and says “11 o’clock”, thus defeating the purpose of the clock system, not to mention getting her time wrong. (He’s actually at about 2 o’clock, for future reference.)

Meanwhile, Heidi pretends to look busy outside by holding a clip board. (That was an old trick I used to pull when working in a supermarket. My motto was that if I walked around with a clip board then I automatically looked like I was up to something. This holds true for a ladder also.) Working the door at L.A.’s hottest new club takes a turn for the worst, however, when Spencer prances down the red carpet with Audrina by his side. Yep, Spencer definitely loves you, Heidi. If it’s any consolation, at least he didn’t hide behind Audrina when they bumped into you.

Inside the club, dra-ma ensues. Heidi and Spencer start bickering and arguing over who came to the club with who. Spencer swears on his mother’s life that he didn’t come to the club with Audrina, even though Heidi just saw him waltz down the red carpet with the girl with the made up name. Clearly Spencer doesn’t value the life of his mother all that much. In the midst of it all, Audrina just wants to be “the bigger person”, which in most cases would mean backing off and letting Heidi and Spencer sort their problems out. In Audrina’s world, the bigger person lets Spencer give you a massage in the middle of a club. There, that ought to sort this whole mess out, right? Err….

Heidi retreats to the outdoors as Spencer and Audrina dance the night away. Heidi moans with her random friend about Audrina, and even calls her nemesis a bad name. (No, not her real name. The “B” word.) Foreboding music plays us to a break in the action.

We’re back at Bolthouse the next morning, where no doubt Brent is masterminding his next event. Heidi is talking things over with her colleague, whose insight into Heidi’s love life amounts to “That sucks”. With those powers of perception I’m assuming she’s Brent’s second in command. Meanwhile, in a parallel “work” scene, Audrina is talking to her colleague about the same thing. What she’s saying doesn’t quite add up with what we saw that night in Area, but I’d be lying if I said I cared. Audrina’s colleague sums it all up in a nice little package: “Dra-ma”.

Sad music plays as Heidi drives to a pharmacy and buys…something. She mopes back home and goes straight to her room, possibly to kill herself. Alas, things aren’t quite so dramatic, but there is the small matter of Heidi’s mysterious purchase being a pregnancy test. Will she be the mother of Spencer’s child? A positive answer to that question might actually be a valid reason for her to end it all, but for that information you will have to tune in elsewhere.


* Not actually my number, but close.

People Falling Over

The Apprentice 2009 featured so many brilliant moments that if were to write about all of them I would fill up all the books in the world. Here, then, is perhaps the funniest of them all. It happened in the last episode, and after a dozen times of watching it, it still makes me laugh. What is about people falling over that makes it so wonderful to behold?

The X-Factor

I’ve yet to watch an entire episode of The X-Factor. Tonight I intend to change that, and to walk you -- the misfortunate reader -- through my experience into uncharted waters.

The acts have to perform a song by George Michael (either during his days with Wham! or as a solo artist). If this isn’t a set-up for Jedward then I don’t know what is.

By the way, how many George Michael songs can you name? Once you get past “Wake Me Up” and “Last Christmas”, I’m very much struggling.

Here we go…

It starts with the most over-the-top introduction in televisual history. It is a flashy recap of what happened last week, with a voice-over by the guy who does those second-chance Sunday adverts for E4 [!?] This makes even the opening credits for Batman & Robin look understated. No easy task.

The Judges have just been presented before us in a fashion not unfamiliar to Triple H or The Rock. Cheryl is wearing, er, something. That’s a start anyway. We’re only five minutes into proceedings, and I’m already overwhelmed to the point of epilepsy. Not good.

As an aside, Cheryl Cole: the most beautiful woman in the world, or a decent looking girl with loads of make-up and hair extensions? You decide.

Lloyd is getting ready to kick things off, with what Cheryl calls George Michael’s most “recognisable” song. If this isn’t either “Last Christmas” or “Wake Me Up” then I’ll be extremely disappointed. Simon muses that if Lloyd was a cat, he’d have used up 8 of his lives by now. (Lloyd is not a cat, incidentally). In other words, Lloyd needs to produce the goods tonight. Will he?

His performance is short and, well, average. Louis compliments Lloyd on his new hair cut, which is a classic case of damning with faint praise, given that Lloyd probably didn’t even cut his own hair. In other words, having just heard someone sing a tune in order to be judged, Louis decides to give some kudos to Lloyd's barber. Non sequitur much? Simon is much more positive, but you know he’s probably just being so merely to disagree with Louis (oh those two!). Cheryl says that Lloyd is turning into a man right before her eyes, and then undoes all of that by calling him “adorable”. Adorable!? Babies and cats are adorable, Cheryl, and as has been made perfectly clear already, Lloyd is not a baby, nor a cat. He’s a man, and men are not adorable. Cheryl couldn’t have been more patronising if she walked up to Lloyd on stage, spat on a tissue, and started cleaning around his mouth so that he’d “look nice for all the girls”. Danni said things before anyone else did, but she (like Cheryl earlier) doesn’t seem to understand that when the audience is screaming, the judges can’t be heard.

I wish the audience screamed more.

My verdict? If Lloyd was a cat, he wouldn’t be allowed to enter the X-Factor, which I think is grossly unfair. I say all felines rise as one and put the producers of this anti-cat show in their place! As Jedward are proving week by week, it is not a singing competition, so I’m sure there’s something the cat community can do to win over the public. May I suggest getting milked?

Dermot O’Leary welcomes us back, and next up is the only girl left - Stacey. Danni simply calls her “the voice”, which might be a ploy to take the attention away from Stacey’s face. I’m sorry. That was mean and uncalled for.

Stacey seems like a nice girl. Down to earth and all that. Seriously. She’s just not very attractive, but since when has that mattered when it comes to being a huge popstar [?].

The performance starts shakily, and continues on in that manner. Oh dear. “The voice” isn’t working tonight. She seems to be okay on the big notes, but there is a notable lack of consistency. Over to the judges.

Louis doesn’t mention anything about tonight’s performance, and neither does Cheryl. Criticism by omission? Simon finally talks about stuff that actually happened tonight, and says much the same things as I did. I’m not sure how that makes me feel. Not good, is my gut reaction. Danni finishes things off this time, but she fails to mention anything relevant. If I were to turn the tables and judge the judges right now, Danni would be gone. She serves no discernible purpose.

Stacey is obviously liked by all, which seems to be clouding the judgement of at least the judges, and probably the voters. She is a good singer, but nothing special. In a sort of backwards way, her not-very attractiveness seems to be working in her favour. Because she doesn’t have “the look”, people are almost assuming that she has “the voice”. On the evidence of tonight, she doesn’t. She is better than that cat Lloyd, though.

So far, the performances are as underwhelming as the production is overwhelming. Let’s see if John and Edward can change that. Shock horror, they will be doing a Wham! song.

They’re dancing on top of a table with a couple of girls. Good start. They’re also singing in tune, which is more than what can be said for some of Stacey’s performance. It is all very circus-ish, however, with a man at the front of the stage just spinning on his head…for no particular reason. I’m not sure who this campness appeals to, but clearly people are being won over. What is it with these two? What do they have that others don't? They seem to have this special gift, almost a factor, that is mysterious and undefinable. But whatever it is, they have no business on a show like The X-Factor. None at all.

Once again, Danni talks while the audience is screaming. Simon says that Jedward are like Louis’s own little action men dolls, but not in a creepy way (I think, though I hesitate to jump to a definite conclusion). More in a “using them to make millions of pounds” kind of way, I imagine.

Next up is Arsenal’s Eduardo. I was thinking that he wasn’t all there against Sunderland this afternoon.

Actually, it’s DanYl, and he is singing one of George Michael’s most famous songs. If this isn’t either “Last Christmas” or “Wake Me Up”…

After a verse of it, I still don’t know what song it is, but he’s doing okay. Probably the best singing performance yet, which really isn’t saying much. But you can only beat what’s put in front of you, right?

Danni talks while the audience...ah, you know the drill at this stage. Louis sticks the knife into Simon, and Cheryl goes after Danyl by dubbing the performance "flat". After judging which has mostly consisted of ignoring everything about the performances on the night, these comments are a little out of the blue. Sure Danyl wasn’t fantastic, but he was certainly better than the rest. Perhaps he’s just not very likable? Or perhaps, unlike David Brent, Louis and Cheryl don’t like people of mixed race. What about the melting pot, guys? Simon says Danyl exhibited what is known in the business as “respecting the song”, which is something Simon can’t quite define, which makes you wonder if he just made that term up there and then in order to appear knowledgeable and clever. If I know Simon Cowell like I think I do, however, that clearly isn't the case.

Next up is Olly. “Late” by Ben Folds plays in the background as he hugs his parents during a video montage, which finally gives me something musical to enjoy. By the way, Olly looks like Gary Barlow’s love child. Also, Olly plans on being more “sexy, and modern, and current” tonight. Has he been performing as a medieval minstrel thus far, or something?

Well if wearing black and sitting down is considered sexy and modern, then Ollie is on fire tonight! It also doesn’t hurt that he has half a dozen female dancers wearing catsuits gyrating around him. He could be wearing a Brian Cowen mask while singing a Richie Kavanagh song right now and it would still be sexy, thanks to his environs.

Ignoring Danni, Louis says that he likes how “not fake” Olly is. That’s probably as much a dig at some other contestant, more than likely Danyl (I say that purely because of the ‘y’ in his name. How fake is that!?). Much like Stacey, Olly is well liked. Niceness seems to be taking ordinary people a long way in this competition, which is no bad thing. I missed Simon and Cheryl’s comments, but if their previous is anything to go by, they talked about anything but the stuff happening right in front of us.

Finally, we have Joe. Not Jo. Not Joh. Not Joye. Just Joe. I like him already. Let’s see if he can sing.

Simon nods during the performance as if to say “Yes, he can”. I agree. Allow me to indulge in some hyperbole before the judges do - “Best singing performance in the history of music”. “You will not only win this competition, Joe, but you may well become president of world”. “You make me want to be a better man, Joe”.

To the judges, then.

Danni lauds Joe for his honesty of voice. Louis calls it the best performance of the night, but points out that the song was penned by Elton John, which is slightly bending the rules. Simon and Louis engage in some light-hearted banter over Louis’ throwing of the rule book, which is of course hilarious. You just know those two are sleeping with each other outside of the show, don’t you?

Well, as the adage goes, the show must come to an end sooner or later, and so we close with a quick recap of the performances. All pretty average, with Joe just about rising above the rest. If any of these people hit the big time, then I promise to buy Michelle McManus’ latest album, which, rumour has it, is simply a recording of her eating different types of food. Track number four -- tentatively entitled “Apple” -- is supposed to be a classic in the making by all accounts.

I can’t say I enjoyed my X-Factor experience, but I’d be lying if I said I’ll never watch it again. Is it necessary that I watch it? Well, is it necessary that I drink my own urine? No, but I do it anyway, because it’s sterile and I like the taste.

Did I just liken watching The X-Factor to drinking your own urine? Yeah, that sounds about right. Oh the wisdom of Patches O’Houlihan. It knows no bounds.

Transforming Power

Behold the transforming power of Pat Kenny, as he turns one of the world's most famous comedians into perhaps the most boring man alive. And it only takes him three minutes. And he calls him "Jerry Sein-field".

My favourite part is when Pat knowingly quips, "And we know what happens when bees don't do what they're supposed to do...". Well, yes, we do. Honey stops getting made. But that isn't exactly funny, is it? Oh dear, Pat.

Goodbye My Lover(s)

Have you ever been in love with someone who isn't real? I have...multiple times. I'm sure this says something quite worrying about my emotional health, but lets just ignore that for a second and get back to unreality. As I look back on my TV watching career, there are two women who stand out for me. Two women whom I'd have committed a serious felony for. Two women whom I would have eloped with at the drop of a remote control. Two women whom...ah, you get the point. Anyway, those two women are Brooke McQueen and Lana Lang. You may not agree with my choices, you may think they were horrible characters on crappy TV shows, but frankly, I don't care. Love covers a multitude of sins...or something.

I bring this up now not because I want to take you on a disturbing journey through my teenage years of fantasy love. That's a journey we'll take another time...like, say, never. No my dear readers. I bring this up because I just found out that Lana Lang will never again be seen in five episode's time. I'm not sure what's happening to her (though if the picture above is to be believed, then perhaps Clark ties her up and leaves her to burn), but I know she is just not going to be shown on Smallville any longer, and so this is a sad day indeed.

Losing Brooke was hard on me, especially so suddenly and without any kind of plot resolution whatsoever. There she was, rejected by Harrison, standing in front of Nicole's speeding car, and that was it. Gone. I checked the forums, I checked the news sites, just hoping against hope that Popular would come back and Brooke along with it. But alas, nobody was dumb enough to make my dream come true, and Brooke McQueen remained sleeping with the fishes, lost in a sea of prematurely canceled TV shows.

Then along came Lana. Sweet, pure, innocent Lana. Never mind the old adage 'Once bitten twice shy'. It was love at first sight, and it lasted the guts of six years, until it finally came to the stage where Smallville had gotten so bad that watching it made me hurt, both emotionally and physically. Even the draw of Lana Lang wasn't enough to keep me coming back for more, so just like that I stopped tuning in to new episodes. However, knowing that Lana lived on was enough for me, even if I wasn't at all interested in what she or any of her friends were up to.

But now this. This...this...travesty. She's leaving, never to be seen again. Her character is finished with, soon to be joining Brooke McQueen in the morgue. Oh to be in that morgue with them! Given that I'm slightly more grown up, there's a good chance that nobody else fictional will be joining them. And so this is it. The last of my fantasy crushes. Rest in peace, Brooke and Lana. Rest in the knowledge that you were always so much hotter than Sam and Chloe.

Of course as a sort of corollary of falling in love with a TV character, you tend to fall in love with the actress too. And so I thought I'd check and see what Kristen Kreuk is up to these days. Maybe she's making something of herself, which would certainly soften the blow of losing Ms Lang. I started to get really excited, pondering all of the various projects she could be working on now that her schedule is cleared up. Perhaps some new show aimed at teenage girls for me to get addicted to? Perhaps a romantic comedy starring Mark Ruffalo? Oh the possibilities!

But no. Here's what Kristen Kreuk is now working on:

Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li

Yep. She's doing a computer game-based movie, because those have always worked out real well for the actors involved [?]. As a rule of thumb, if you find yourself starring as a computer game character, then you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're really cut out to be an actor.

That said, I'm totally going to go see this movie on the off chance that it makes its way to Irish cinemas, or just cinemas in general. I mean I went to see Hit Man in the cinema. How much worse could this be?

But enough about Hit Man, enough about Street Fighter and the frightening possibilities that a movie based around Chun-Li entails. This is Lana's moment, and here's the scene of hers that will feature long in my memory. Tom Welling is in it too (not that that's a bad thing...I mean He is freakishly good-looking). Oh, and there's some kissing at the end, and some pretty bad acting throughout, so watch out for that. Still though, I just love this scene, especially in its context (which I won't take the time to explain). The music, the cheesy dialogue - it's got it all, and for me, it cemented Lana's place on the list. Enjoy, if you dare...

The Birthday Scene

No Deal

Allow me to break from the status quo by briefly examining one of the most compelling, dramatic, and worst television shows on the air today. I'm aware that I could be describing many shows by using those three words, but the show that's on my mind having just watched it on More 4 (incidentally, can anything good come out of More 4?) is 'Deal or No Deal'. I understand that to most of my readers this show is completely foreign, or at least the UK version is, so I'm alienating quite a few of you, but since this is my blog and all I'm going to be self indulgent just this once (not counting that time I wrote half a recap on One Tree Hill of course...or the countless other times I've been self indulgent).

If you've ever watched 'Deal or No Deal', see if you can identify with some of these observations:

1 - Noel Edmunds is the sleaziest man to ever live. Everything about him just oozes sleaze - that golden/grey hair of his slicked back, those cowboy-esque boots he wears, the tight jeans, the flashy shirts, the endless flirting with anything resembling a woman. He's got it all. Of course this makes him perfect for his role as host of the most uncultured show on television since, um, Noel's House Party [?], but you just can't help feeling the need for a long shower after having watched him slither about for 40 minutes, nor can you help fearing that one day you'll turn into him and start chatting up your college-aged nieces and doing other such slimy, pervy things. This isn't to say that Noel Edmunds chats up his nieces, but if I told you he did would it surprise you?

Noel has obviously not had the easiest ride in life, so I'm not going to be too harsh on him (though I fear I may be guilty of that already). After all, he seems to be maturing a bit when it comes to women, which is evidenced by Wikipedia's comment that "Edmonds has recently stated that he is not ready to get seriously involved in a relationship so soon after his second divorce". Granted that's a bit like Steve Stauton saying that San Marino have tightened up their defense by only conceding 8 goals as opposed to the 13 they shipped in the previous game, but at least both Noel and San Marino are on the right track, right?

One other slightly odd thing on his Wiki page is found under the 'Personal Life' section. We're told there that "Edmonds has commented in favour of stricter immigration policies in the United Kingdom, feeling that the country is "full", as well as building more prisons and reducing crime and youth violence". May I ask, does anyone actually care what Noel Edmunds, presenter of the tacky gameshow Deal or No Deal, has to say on topics such as immigration policy, infrastructure, and crime? I sincerely doubt it. The only opinions we want to hear from Noel Edmunds are those that deal directly with Deal or No Deal, and even then he should keep those to a minimum.

2 - There's always a fat guy amongst the 22 contestants who's the "strategy expert". He's usually old - you know, been through it all before; seen everything - and whenever there's a decision to be made, he'll provide the "sage" insight that apparently everyone else on the show is completely oblivous to.

For example, if there are 5 boxes left, 4 of which are medium sized and one of which is the £250, 000, he'll say to the person playing the game something along the lines of "You have to be careful, because if you knock off the 250, 000 you won't be in as strong a position, so think long and hard about this decision". By adding that last part, he makes it seem as if what he has just said has opened up a whole can of worms, when in reality he's just done what I like to call a Borris Becker, i.e. stated the bleeding obvious.

The person playing the game will nod their head knowingly of course, as if they understand the profoundness what the "strategy expert" just said, and thus will take their time in making this difficult decision, when in reality they know what exactly they're going to do as soon as the options are made available. Am I accusing Deal or No deal of conjuring up tension and drama out of nowhere? Never!

3 - There's always a gay guy on the show, and he always does something wacky and gay. (As a sidenote, he's usually hit on by Noel Edmunds.)

4 - You can expect to see at least one moderately attractive woman on the show, though as soon as she begins saying things your attraction to her quickly turns into blinding hatred, where you'd give anything for her to walk away with the 1p box.

5 - 90% of the people who play the game are the most annoying, idiotic people you're ever likely to see on television. It's as if they just take 22 of the guests on the Jeremy Kyle Show and drag them on to the set of Deal or No Deal so that they can inflict further misery on all who watch daytime TV (of which I am a chief offender). They're the kind of people who shout a lot, get excited over nothing, and act as if nothing in life phases them. Even when they go from having the opportunity of banking £30, 000 to having to decide between banking £30 or risking it for a full £50, they'll maintain their defiance and treat the banker as if he's a moron, when in reality he's just dooped them out of 30, 000 quid. They'll put on an 'I don't care' face and lap up Noel's flirtacious houndings, while their timid significant other sits in the crowd wondering how they ever got involved with such a repulsive dimwit.

Unfortunately, when things go well for such a person you can expect to see much kissing, hugging, promises of streaking, talking of holidays to Ibiza, and from the overweight women, that frantic arm-waving which leaves the tricep area flapping to and fro in what has to be one of the most unattractive sights you're ever likely to witness. However, does is turn Noel Edmunds off? One can only hope so, because if not this, then what!?

Despite all these things, and many, many others, there is something so addictive about Deal or No Deal. If you don't nip it in the bud and change the channel before you care about nothing other than seeing Charlene walking away with the minimum amount of money possible, then you're in for 40 minutes of pain and personal anguish which will leave you in need of nothing short of a shower and a prolonged dose of The Wire to cleanse you and to restore your faith in both people and television.

Think About It

Here's some food for thought: was Reverend Camden the original Emergent Leader? That notion just dawned on me a couple of minutes ago, so I wanted to share it and see if any former Seventh Heaven watchers who don't value their dignity would come forward and support my claim. Come on now, don't be embarrassed. It's liberating to tell the truth.

One Tree Hill

Here's half of a recap I just wrote for an episode of One Tree Hill. You may enjoy it, or you may have no interest. The other half will be up soon, so I don't want dozens of you people leaving me comments demanding to see it now. Be patient, OK?

Anyway, here's the link to the recap:

One Tree Hill - An Expose

Enjoy...and feel free to comment on this or anything else that you've read.