Press Like

"Let's see how many true Christians are on FB! Press Like if Jesus is your Saviour!!"

This seems logical. If you want to know who the true Christians are, a fan page on Facebook ought to separate the wheat from the chaff.

After all, as our Saviour once said, "You shall know them by their groups."

People Falling Over

The Apprentice 2009 featured so many brilliant moments that if were to write about all of them I would fill up all the books in the world. Here, then, is perhaps the funniest of them all. It happened in the last episode, and after a dozen times of watching it, it still makes me laugh. What is about people falling over that makes it so wonderful to behold?

Paradise

Out of Context

A concrete example of what it means to take something out of context:

Skinner and Baddiel

Poor Pele. He really was rubbish, wasn't he?

The Future

Conan O'Brien's vision of the future, as disclosed in the 1980's:

"I believe that one day a simple Governor from a small Southern state will rise to the highest office in the land. He will lack political skill, but will lead on the sheer strength of his moral authority."

"I believe that Justice will prevail and, one day, the Berlin Wall will crumble, uniting East and West Berlin forever under Communist rule."

"I believe that one day, a high speed network of interconnected computers will spring up world-wide, so enriching people that they will lose their interest in idle chit chat and pornography."

"And finally, I believe that one day I will have a television show on a major network, seen by millions of people a night, which I will use to re-enact crimes and help catch at-large criminals."

So Mocked Yet So Loved

This video clip speaks for itself really. I'll try and comment on it later, but for now just sit back and enjoy the funniest one minute and fifty seven seconds of your day. If nothing else, this clip sums up the reason why we Irish are so mocked yet so loved all around the world...

Every Last Point

Have the people who schedule Wimbledon matches really gone down the "sex sells" route? Based on my Thursday afternoon viewing, I would have to say yes.

I had just watched a great performance from Leyton "Come onnnnnnn!" Hewitt as he beat the 5th seed Del Potro in straight sets. The Aussie got me primed for some more exciting Wimbledon action, so I was eager to see who was up next on centre-court. Perhaps there would be a top women's match featuring the number 1 seed Safina, or maybe A-Rod would be crushing forehands in front of me for the next couple of hours.

Oh no. Up next was Wozniacki versus Kirilenko. The number 9 seed against an unseeded player in the women's singles. Suffice to say, I had never heard of either of these players, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why the organisers would put such a game on centre-court. I was both surprised and annoyed, with no option but to switch over to Deal Or No Deal. Look what I was reduced to!

The (it goes without saying) infuriating woman on Deal Or No Deal didn't have a particularly powerful board, so I decided to flick around the channels until I came back to Wimbledon. "Pff...Wozniacki against Kirilenko". I stalled on BBC just to figure out which player was which, but before long "Wozniakci and Kirilinko?" became "Wozniacki and Kirilenko!", the greatest tennis match of all time, trumping even last year's epic final between Nadal and Federer. Why?

Caroline Wozniacki -- Maria Kirilenko

Okay so I'm slightly exaggerating about it being the pinnacle of tennis. Still, all of a sudden it became very clear to me why these two women were battling it out on centre-court while the likes of Serena Williams was slumming it on court No. 2, and it had very little to do with mesmerising backhands or a Midas touch around the net. In layman's terms, they're hot, and full-blooded men like watching hot women play tennis. I don't think I'm telling anybody anything new when I say that.

I was of course outraged by this superficiality on the part of Wimbledon schedulers, and only chose to continue watching the match in case the broadcasters left a number on the screen which I could dial in order to lodge a complaint. They didn't, and so I was forced to sit through this sham of a beauty pageant in its entirety. Every last point. Even the breaks between change-overs.

In all seriousness though, isn't it a bit of a cheap tactic to all but say that you get to play on centre-court if you're the more attractive player? Ignoring the fact that this ploy was a complete success on me, I think it's quite sad that Wimbledon has stooped to this. Now I have got nothing against either Wozniacki or Kirilenko. Nothing at all. In fact they were both pretty good players, and the former could go quite far in this tournament (she is the 9th seed after all). But lets keep a low profile game like this off of centre-court. If you want to watch the eye-candy then click the red button, but lets not turn the women's game into a parade. We have to be better people than that.

Anyway, Wozniacki and Kirilenko are about to start a charity doubles match over on BBC Stream 17. Let me know how the big game on centre-court goes.

The "Look"

My best Michael Scofield look. Not bad, eh?

Indictment of a Spoiled Generation

I came across this Conan O'Brien clip on another blog and thought I'd post it here too. It kind of puts some things in perspective for we spoiled westerners. Enjoy.

Louis CK on Conan

Typology

Since I'm too busy/lazy/uninspired (pick the one you think most appropriate) to blog, I thought I'd point you in the direction of Eric D. Snider's Snide Remarks column today. If you are a blog reader then you should find his piece amusingly insightful, as he pigeon-holes those who comment on blogs into 10 types (I'm probably type #2). Wanna see which type you are so you can become self-conscious about commenting on blogs? Then click the above link to find out.

Goodbye My Lover(s)

Have you ever been in love with someone who isn't real? I have...multiple times. I'm sure this says something quite worrying about my emotional health, but lets just ignore that for a second and get back to unreality. As I look back on my TV watching career, there are two women who stand out for me. Two women whom I'd have committed a serious felony for. Two women whom I would have eloped with at the drop of a remote control. Two women whom...ah, you get the point. Anyway, those two women are Brooke McQueen and Lana Lang. You may not agree with my choices, you may think they were horrible characters on crappy TV shows, but frankly, I don't care. Love covers a multitude of sins...or something.

I bring this up now not because I want to take you on a disturbing journey through my teenage years of fantasy love. That's a journey we'll take another time...like, say, never. No my dear readers. I bring this up because I just found out that Lana Lang will never again be seen in five episode's time. I'm not sure what's happening to her (though if the picture above is to be believed, then perhaps Clark ties her up and leaves her to burn), but I know she is just not going to be shown on Smallville any longer, and so this is a sad day indeed.

Losing Brooke was hard on me, especially so suddenly and without any kind of plot resolution whatsoever. There she was, rejected by Harrison, standing in front of Nicole's speeding car, and that was it. Gone. I checked the forums, I checked the news sites, just hoping against hope that Popular would come back and Brooke along with it. But alas, nobody was dumb enough to make my dream come true, and Brooke McQueen remained sleeping with the fishes, lost in a sea of prematurely canceled TV shows.

Then along came Lana. Sweet, pure, innocent Lana. Never mind the old adage 'Once bitten twice shy'. It was love at first sight, and it lasted the guts of six years, until it finally came to the stage where Smallville had gotten so bad that watching it made me hurt, both emotionally and physically. Even the draw of Lana Lang wasn't enough to keep me coming back for more, so just like that I stopped tuning in to new episodes. However, knowing that Lana lived on was enough for me, even if I wasn't at all interested in what she or any of her friends were up to.

But now this. This...this...travesty. She's leaving, never to be seen again. Her character is finished with, soon to be joining Brooke McQueen in the morgue. Oh to be in that morgue with them! Given that I'm slightly more grown up, there's a good chance that nobody else fictional will be joining them. And so this is it. The last of my fantasy crushes. Rest in peace, Brooke and Lana. Rest in the knowledge that you were always so much hotter than Sam and Chloe.

Of course as a sort of corollary of falling in love with a TV character, you tend to fall in love with the actress too. And so I thought I'd check and see what Kristen Kreuk is up to these days. Maybe she's making something of herself, which would certainly soften the blow of losing Ms Lang. I started to get really excited, pondering all of the various projects she could be working on now that her schedule is cleared up. Perhaps some new show aimed at teenage girls for me to get addicted to? Perhaps a romantic comedy starring Mark Ruffalo? Oh the possibilities!

But no. Here's what Kristen Kreuk is now working on:

Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li

Yep. She's doing a computer game-based movie, because those have always worked out real well for the actors involved [?]. As a rule of thumb, if you find yourself starring as a computer game character, then you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you're really cut out to be an actor.

That said, I'm totally going to go see this movie on the off chance that it makes its way to Irish cinemas, or just cinemas in general. I mean I went to see Hit Man in the cinema. How much worse could this be?

But enough about Hit Man, enough about Street Fighter and the frightening possibilities that a movie based around Chun-Li entails. This is Lana's moment, and here's the scene of hers that will feature long in my memory. Tom Welling is in it too (not that that's a bad thing...I mean He is freakishly good-looking). Oh, and there's some kissing at the end, and some pretty bad acting throughout, so watch out for that. Still though, I just love this scene, especially in its context (which I won't take the time to explain). The music, the cheesy dialogue - it's got it all, and for me, it cemented Lana's place on the list. Enjoy, if you dare...

The Birthday Scene

You Cannot Be Serious

In wandering my blog to and fro (something I do rather pathetically often if we're going to be honest here), I stumbled across a link on the map section (the place where you can find out how many hits I got the previous day...not many in case you're wondering). The link had the intriguing title 'Single Catholic in Galway'. Hmm...are they reporting that there is only one Catholic in Galway? If so then that's just not true, because I went to an all-Catholic secondary school consisting of about 600 people, and I can safely say at least two of them are Catholics. At least two, and maybe even more. However, maybe this website is just implying that there is now an available Catholic in Galway who perhaps just got out of a very serious relationship and is looking to start up something again, so first come first served? Well, the heading is misleading, because underneath it reads "Date serious catholic singles in Galway with PARSHIP -serious dating". That's "serious" twice, so I think they really mean it.

More to the point, is it just me or is that the least appealing call to dating you've ever heard? I mean are there people out there who go for that kind of thing?

Guy - "Wanna go out with me?"

Girl - "Umm...no thanks."

Guy - "Did I mention I'm serious?"

Girl - "Really? Well, maybe..."

Guy- "And Catholic?"

Girl - "OK I'm in."

It's certainly a bizarre selling point, but on second thought, maybe that's where I've been going wrong this whole time. As a fun-loving Protestant, chances are I've completely cut myself off from the market. If this webiste is anything to go by (and I for one see no reason for it not to be), then what women actually want is a man who takes life seriously, and who believes that the bread and wine really become Christ's body and blood (amongst other things). Who knew?

Well since I'm not about to change my personality nor my beliefs, I'm just going to have to find love the old fashioned way: keep updating this blog until someone -- anyone -- stumbles across it and decides that they want to befriend me on Facebook based on my cute profile pic and my cutting sense of humour.

Is he serious, is he joking? Add me as a friend on Facebook and find out...*

* I'm joking. Please don't do that.

No Deal

Allow me to break from the status quo by briefly examining one of the most compelling, dramatic, and worst television shows on the air today. I'm aware that I could be describing many shows by using those three words, but the show that's on my mind having just watched it on More 4 (incidentally, can anything good come out of More 4?) is 'Deal or No Deal'. I understand that to most of my readers this show is completely foreign, or at least the UK version is, so I'm alienating quite a few of you, but since this is my blog and all I'm going to be self indulgent just this once (not counting that time I wrote half a recap on One Tree Hill of course...or the countless other times I've been self indulgent).

If you've ever watched 'Deal or No Deal', see if you can identify with some of these observations:

1 - Noel Edmunds is the sleaziest man to ever live. Everything about him just oozes sleaze - that golden/grey hair of his slicked back, those cowboy-esque boots he wears, the tight jeans, the flashy shirts, the endless flirting with anything resembling a woman. He's got it all. Of course this makes him perfect for his role as host of the most uncultured show on television since, um, Noel's House Party [?], but you just can't help feeling the need for a long shower after having watched him slither about for 40 minutes, nor can you help fearing that one day you'll turn into him and start chatting up your college-aged nieces and doing other such slimy, pervy things. This isn't to say that Noel Edmunds chats up his nieces, but if I told you he did would it surprise you?

Noel has obviously not had the easiest ride in life, so I'm not going to be too harsh on him (though I fear I may be guilty of that already). After all, he seems to be maturing a bit when it comes to women, which is evidenced by Wikipedia's comment that "Edmonds has recently stated that he is not ready to get seriously involved in a relationship so soon after his second divorce". Granted that's a bit like Steve Stauton saying that San Marino have tightened up their defense by only conceding 8 goals as opposed to the 13 they shipped in the previous game, but at least both Noel and San Marino are on the right track, right?

One other slightly odd thing on his Wiki page is found under the 'Personal Life' section. We're told there that "Edmonds has commented in favour of stricter immigration policies in the United Kingdom, feeling that the country is "full", as well as building more prisons and reducing crime and youth violence". May I ask, does anyone actually care what Noel Edmunds, presenter of the tacky gameshow Deal or No Deal, has to say on topics such as immigration policy, infrastructure, and crime? I sincerely doubt it. The only opinions we want to hear from Noel Edmunds are those that deal directly with Deal or No Deal, and even then he should keep those to a minimum.

2 - There's always a fat guy amongst the 22 contestants who's the "strategy expert". He's usually old - you know, been through it all before; seen everything - and whenever there's a decision to be made, he'll provide the "sage" insight that apparently everyone else on the show is completely oblivous to.

For example, if there are 5 boxes left, 4 of which are medium sized and one of which is the £250, 000, he'll say to the person playing the game something along the lines of "You have to be careful, because if you knock off the 250, 000 you won't be in as strong a position, so think long and hard about this decision". By adding that last part, he makes it seem as if what he has just said has opened up a whole can of worms, when in reality he's just done what I like to call a Borris Becker, i.e. stated the bleeding obvious.

The person playing the game will nod their head knowingly of course, as if they understand the profoundness what the "strategy expert" just said, and thus will take their time in making this difficult decision, when in reality they know what exactly they're going to do as soon as the options are made available. Am I accusing Deal or No deal of conjuring up tension and drama out of nowhere? Never!

3 - There's always a gay guy on the show, and he always does something wacky and gay. (As a sidenote, he's usually hit on by Noel Edmunds.)

4 - You can expect to see at least one moderately attractive woman on the show, though as soon as she begins saying things your attraction to her quickly turns into blinding hatred, where you'd give anything for her to walk away with the 1p box.

5 - 90% of the people who play the game are the most annoying, idiotic people you're ever likely to see on television. It's as if they just take 22 of the guests on the Jeremy Kyle Show and drag them on to the set of Deal or No Deal so that they can inflict further misery on all who watch daytime TV (of which I am a chief offender). They're the kind of people who shout a lot, get excited over nothing, and act as if nothing in life phases them. Even when they go from having the opportunity of banking £30, 000 to having to decide between banking £30 or risking it for a full £50, they'll maintain their defiance and treat the banker as if he's a moron, when in reality he's just dooped them out of 30, 000 quid. They'll put on an 'I don't care' face and lap up Noel's flirtacious houndings, while their timid significant other sits in the crowd wondering how they ever got involved with such a repulsive dimwit.

Unfortunately, when things go well for such a person you can expect to see much kissing, hugging, promises of streaking, talking of holidays to Ibiza, and from the overweight women, that frantic arm-waving which leaves the tricep area flapping to and fro in what has to be one of the most unattractive sights you're ever likely to witness. However, does is turn Noel Edmunds off? One can only hope so, because if not this, then what!?

Despite all these things, and many, many others, there is something so addictive about Deal or No Deal. If you don't nip it in the bud and change the channel before you care about nothing other than seeing Charlene walking away with the minimum amount of money possible, then you're in for 40 minutes of pain and personal anguish which will leave you in need of nothing short of a shower and a prolonged dose of The Wire to cleanse you and to restore your faith in both people and television.

What If?

"If you type 'google' into google, you'll break the internet."

I heard some people making fun of someone who actually thought this, and I couldn't help but laugh. It was one of those times when you wish you could just jump into a conversation, simply because you have all these jokes that you desperately want to share.

Another little funny thing happened a couple of days ago too. I was chatting with my friend Paul in the kitchen and Dad came in after work. Dad then asked Paul what time he finished work at, and Paul said that he worked from 7 to 3.30 that day, to which Dad replied "Wow, 7-3.30. That's a fairly short little shift, isn't it?"

What shift did Dad work that day? Well, he worked 8-4.30, which is roughly the same amount of time as Paul spent at work. Oh wait...it's exactly the same amount of time Paul spent at work.

Still though, I can sort of see Dad's point. Doesn't 7-3.30 initially sound like less hours than 8-4.30? Maybe we Kelly's are just crazy like that.

To complete this highly comedic post, here's a joke that a blog-writing cousin of mine introduced me to a while ago, and without his permission, I'm going to post up here now.

There was once this monk, who following the tradition of hand copying scrolls, goes down to the cellar of his abbey in search of an original copy. He doesn't return for hours and is eventually discovered by a younger clerk. He is in a corner of the cellar, sobbing. When asked what's wrong, he says, 'Celebrate... celebrate.. it says celebrate, not cel-i-bate.'

Funny

I stumbled across the above picture on this blog, and I gave a good chuckle when I looked up the verses. Here's James 4:9 and Philippians 4:4 to save you the bother of looking them up yourself. See how kind I am?

Bus Drivers Are Jerks

I just spent a little over 12 hours in Dublin between yesterday and today, half of which I slept through. Considering I took a 4 hour bus ride there and back, that may sound like folly, madness, idiocy. However, once you've seen Sun Kil Moon play live, then you'll understand.

As an avid fan I was going into the gig with a mixture of excitement and caution. I just wasn't sure what their live sound would be like, because a lot of their songs have reasonably complex arrangements, with guitar over-dubs galore. However, by the end of the second song I was just blown away. They started with a low key version of Glenn Tipton, and followed that up with a Red House Painters favourite of mine, Make Like Paper. The crunching electric guitars were in full swing, as were the several-minutes-long solos, and it all came together perfectly for what was probably about 10 minutes of pure audio bliss. So yeah, Make Like Paper was definitely the highlight in a show full of highs.

They did a few other 'big songs', such as River, Tonight The Sky and Duk Koo Kim, all of which were brilliantly executed. Since most readers probably don't know many of these songs (not for lack of trying on my part), I'll stop talking about them any second now, but suffice to say you're missing out on one of the hidden gems of our generation if you have yet to give Sun Kil Moon a proper chance.

I managed to actually rope three other people to come along with me, which was great. Three ex-Encounter heads at that, which was doubly great - Ellisha, Keith and Luke. I knew Luke was coming a while back, but Keith and Ellisha were latecomers, buying their tickets an hour before the gig.

Much to Keith's disappointment, Sun Kil Moon were not a Korean band, but he didn't let that setback spoil his night, and unless he was lying to me (and he better not have been lying to me, his disciple of all people), he seemed to think highly of Mark Kozelek's latest project.

Luke and Ellisha seemed to enjoy it too, which was nice, although to be honest I really didn't care whether they did or not. No I'm just kidding. I did care. My taste in music is like my baby. If you don't like it, then I may just not invite you to my birthday. That's how personal I take it, so it was good that they at least pretended to like it, even if they weren't fans.

It was of course great to catch up with these fine people too. I hadn't seen them in probably close to two months, so some hang-out time was definitely the order of the day.

On a slightly different note, I did have a few strange/annoying experiences on the trip, which started from the very beginning. I went to get the Bus Eireann bus to Dublin outside the college, but when I got on, the bus driver told me to get the bus behind him, for reasons that still baffle me. I mean his bus was almost empty, so it's not like he couldn't squeeze me in. He did say the bus behind was a non-stop bus, so maybe he thought I'd prefer that one, but since when have bus drivers been a people to look out for the comfort of others? There are exception of course, but as a rule of thumb, all bus drivers are grade A jerks. This I learned at a young age, and it's a statement that continues to be true with every passing bus journey.

Anyway, I did as the bus driver said and waited for the non-stop bus. However, as I stuck out my arm to wave it down, the non-stop bus lived up to its reputation and (not surprisingly now that I've had time to think about it) didn't stop. In fact the bus driver didn't even have the decency to look me in the eye as he drove past. Maybe not seeing the look of contempt on would-be passengers faces helps him sleep at night.

Needless to say, I was very put out. I actually had to walk around for a bit and compose myself, because I was just incredibly ticked off. I started getting paranoid, thinking that this was all a big conspiracy on the part of the bus drivers. As if they had planned this at the station.

"All right. I'll pull in and tell him to get the next bus, and you just zoom on by and pretend to not even notice him. Got it? Oh and remember, if you do have to pick someone up and they give you a 20 euro note, make sure you look at them as if they just insulted your mother and sister. Then give them the change, but act as if it's the most painful, difficult, and time consuming thing you've ever had to do, and that if they make you do it again you may just kill them."

Anyway, I calmed down and got the City Link bus soon after, which probably arrived in Dublin earlier than the Bus Eireann bus ironically enough.

My other weird experience was having a man squeeze soap onto my hands in a very tiny and otherwise unassuming bathroom, and hand me some paper towels after had I washed them (that kind of sounds like a prison story, doesn't it?). I've never had that happen to me in a bathroom before, and quite frankly I hope it never happens again. Some men were actually just not bothering to wash their hands in order to avoid him, but almost in a trance-like state I went through the whole procedure, and came out the other side a slightly emasculated and confused man. Some man time with Keith and Luke cured that right up though, so I'm back to normal again.

I did tip the guy 50c though, which I consider to be a very generous tip given the service on offer. I mean he basically spared me the trouble of applying a small amount of pressure to a soap dispenser, and helped me avoid the less than arduous task of raising my hands to pick out a paper towel. These are things I really don't mind doing on my own. In fact I rather like doing them on my own, unaided by strange men bearing soap and paper towels. I guess I just like my trips to the bathroom to be as private as possible. That said however, had he offered to clean the toilet seat for me before I used it, then we'd be in business. I'm talking 2 euro minimum for that kind of service. Which reminds me - who are these people that don't clean up after themselves? They're ruining it for the rest of us, because there's no way I'm cleaning up something that isn't mine. Anyway, I better stop before this post stoops any lower.

Good times in Dublin, Sun Kil Moon are the greatest band ever. That's about all you need to know.

Think About It

Here's some food for thought: was Reverend Camden the original Emergent Leader? That notion just dawned on me a couple of minutes ago, so I wanted to share it and see if any former Seventh Heaven watchers who don't value their dignity would come forward and support my claim. Come on now, don't be embarrassed. It's liberating to tell the truth.

A New Dawn

Before I get cracking on the second half of my wildly successful One Tree Hill recap [?], I'm going to fill you in on the latest development in my topsy turvy, thrill-a-minute world.

My sister has left town for a few weeks (with her family, just in case you think there's domestic trouble or something), so she gave me the key to her crib and told me to go nuts. In fact her exact words were 'Gerry, enjoy my house' (ala Liar, Liar, but you got that, right?).

I see this as a good chance to get my feet wet in terms of living on my own (although given my lifestyle, I'll probably have people crashing here like every night, but whatever). I'll be ordering my own me...I mean cooking my own meals, washing clothes, doing dishes, buying groceries, tidying up, hoovering. Basically, I'm going to be a woman for the next 3 weeks. Oooh, burn!

No I didn't mean that. Those are as much guy things as they are girl things. I just suck at them, which is why I see this as a good opportunity to improve on these grossly underdeveloped skills of mine.

In a nutshell, once I become domesticated, I'll be the complete man. So ladies, form an orderly queue, because this guy is about to become hot, domesticated property.

My plan for today is to get settled in, i.e. scatter my clothes all around the bedroom and stock the fridge with Coke. Some light shopping will need to be done, because there is no orange juice in this house and Declan can't survive unless he's able to open the fridge, take out a carton of orange juice and just chug away to his heart's content. (Notice the absence of a cup in the above description. Cups both slow down the process and create extra wash-up, so I will avoid them at all costs, even the health of my own family).

I've already set up the bed I'll be sleeping in, which I'm quite proud of. One of my pet peeves is putting covers on duvets and basically everything else that preparing a bed entails. I just feel like it takes me a lot longer than it should, and also I usually do it at night time when I'm just about to go to sleep, so really the last thing I want to do at that point is work, which is what it feels like to me.

However, a certain Jugen showed me a better way of doing things while we were temporary roommates in The Y. The trick, he told me, is to have your duvet cover inside out and then work from there. Granted Jurgen tried to demonsrate this approach in Greystones and failed miserably, meaning we both slept in our bunkbed without any form of bed clothing apart from a pillow cushion (even rookies like myself can handle pillow cushions with relative ease).

But despite Jurgen's demonstration being a tiny bit pathetic, I could see where he was coming from in some small way. Anyway, to cut a pointless story short I tried it out just now and it worked a treat. So thank you Jurgen. Every time I think I have you pegged you never cease to amaze me. And if anyone else has any tips with regards any of this stuff then please comment away or send me a facebook message or something. I'm scared, and I need help.

Well I best be off. I have some shopping to do and a One Tree Hill recap that needs to be posted before you guys start going mental. I'll try and keep you updated on anything interesting I discover from living alone over the next few weeks, so stay tuned.