- 'How many "ones" can you have?'
- '...Five...'
In Christian jargon there is much talk of "the one". From the age of say 18 onwards we begin the search for "the one". We do not know who he or she is, but we hold on to the seemingly sure hope that the one is out there somewhere, awaiting discovery. Or perhaps we have already met the one, but we just don't know it yet, and like some kind of romantic prank the one will be revealed to us as being a friend we "never looked at that way before" or an acquaintance we never took the time to get to know. The possibilities are, in some ways at least, endless, which is one of the many [?] thrills of singledom.
The math of this is simple. A person is only one person, and so that person can only end up with one person. The renegade Mormon in you might disagree, but the reality is that you will not end up with what Peter LaFleur likes to call "the jackpot". There is only one: "the one". Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find him/her.
To drag this into the realm of full-on Christendom, the popular mantra repeated ad infinitum by Christian singles whose dwindling confidence is balanced out by rapidly increasing desperation is that God knows who "the one" is. The one is roaming around the earth somewhere, and sooner or later paths are going to cross and true romance will be born.
We often hear stories that lend credence to such notions. I know someone who "just knew" who the one was after about two dates. Or even more dramatic, someone who simply saw a woman and said "There is the woman I'm going to marry". Turns out their optimistic instincts were right; they had indeed found the one they were seemingly destined to end up with. How did they know? As Jermaine discloses, "You just know".
Now that's all well and good when you're right, but what about when what you think you "just know" is actually misinformation? How many times have people been sure they have found "the one", only for destiny to slip through their fingers or run away scared? Who really is the one? Is there even a one, or like Jermaine posits, do we get "a few ones"?
I had this chat with a friend of mine last year and he is of the view that there is one one. There is "God's best" you might put it. Our goal is to find it. If we don't, then we make do with someone else down the pecking order. Think of it (rather crudely) as a few cars being lined up in front of us, and instead of choosing the Porsche we go for the Toyota. This way of thinking allows for human folly. As human beings, we don't always make the wisest choices. We can easily settle for something that's good now instead of something that's great later. In doing so we may miss out on the one and end up with number two or three instead, unbeknownst to us of course.
My questions are, Can we really miss out on the one, even if we never know it? What determines whether someone is the one or not? If you like them and they like you and you promise to like each other forever, does that mean that you have each found the one?
The Bible doesn't (as far as I know) tell us that God has a specific "one" for everybody. Nor are we told that we get five ones each. What we do know is that marriage is a lifelong commitment. So how do we know who the one is? To put it plainly, the one is the one on whose finger we place an overpriced ring. How we get to that place will vary: some may feel a tingling in their heart from first sight, some may gradually realise that this is a person they could really love the rest of their lives, some may have the decision made for them, others may be forced into it by a red-faced father bearing a shot-gun. There are wise paths to the alter and there are foolish paths; there are godly paths and there are ungodly paths. I guess maybe an ideal marriage ceremony is the celebration and consummation of godly wisdom. I had the pleasure of being the best man at one such ceremony this summer, where the guy of second date prescience fame realised his dream, or perhaps destiny.
But what about the slightly less than ideal ceremonies, brought about not so much by true love as by undeniable pregnancy? Is the one you accidentally impregnate the one? Christians, along with all mankind, make unwise decisions with undesired consequences. Where does that leave dreams of "the one"? Is it a case of having to settle for less?
The short answer is I don't know. But what I think might need to happen is that we stop putting all of our energy into finding the one and more time preparing ourselves to be people able to love just one woman or man for the rest of our lives. As my recently married brother will tell you, finding the one is the easy part - loving the one for the rest of your life is where it gets a bit trickier.
- '...Five...'
In Christian jargon there is much talk of "the one". From the age of say 18 onwards we begin the search for "the one". We do not know who he or she is, but we hold on to the seemingly sure hope that the one is out there somewhere, awaiting discovery. Or perhaps we have already met the one, but we just don't know it yet, and like some kind of romantic prank the one will be revealed to us as being a friend we "never looked at that way before" or an acquaintance we never took the time to get to know. The possibilities are, in some ways at least, endless, which is one of the many [?] thrills of singledom.
The math of this is simple. A person is only one person, and so that person can only end up with one person. The renegade Mormon in you might disagree, but the reality is that you will not end up with what Peter LaFleur likes to call "the jackpot". There is only one: "the one". Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find him/her.
To drag this into the realm of full-on Christendom, the popular mantra repeated ad infinitum by Christian singles whose dwindling confidence is balanced out by rapidly increasing desperation is that God knows who "the one" is. The one is roaming around the earth somewhere, and sooner or later paths are going to cross and true romance will be born.
We often hear stories that lend credence to such notions. I know someone who "just knew" who the one was after about two dates. Or even more dramatic, someone who simply saw a woman and said "There is the woman I'm going to marry". Turns out their optimistic instincts were right; they had indeed found the one they were seemingly destined to end up with. How did they know? As Jermaine discloses, "You just know".
Now that's all well and good when you're right, but what about when what you think you "just know" is actually misinformation? How many times have people been sure they have found "the one", only for destiny to slip through their fingers or run away scared? Who really is the one? Is there even a one, or like Jermaine posits, do we get "a few ones"?
I had this chat with a friend of mine last year and he is of the view that there is one one. There is "God's best" you might put it. Our goal is to find it. If we don't, then we make do with someone else down the pecking order. Think of it (rather crudely) as a few cars being lined up in front of us, and instead of choosing the Porsche we go for the Toyota. This way of thinking allows for human folly. As human beings, we don't always make the wisest choices. We can easily settle for something that's good now instead of something that's great later. In doing so we may miss out on the one and end up with number two or three instead, unbeknownst to us of course.
My questions are, Can we really miss out on the one, even if we never know it? What determines whether someone is the one or not? If you like them and they like you and you promise to like each other forever, does that mean that you have each found the one?
The Bible doesn't (as far as I know) tell us that God has a specific "one" for everybody. Nor are we told that we get five ones each. What we do know is that marriage is a lifelong commitment. So how do we know who the one is? To put it plainly, the one is the one on whose finger we place an overpriced ring. How we get to that place will vary: some may feel a tingling in their heart from first sight, some may gradually realise that this is a person they could really love the rest of their lives, some may have the decision made for them, others may be forced into it by a red-faced father bearing a shot-gun. There are wise paths to the alter and there are foolish paths; there are godly paths and there are ungodly paths. I guess maybe an ideal marriage ceremony is the celebration and consummation of godly wisdom. I had the pleasure of being the best man at one such ceremony this summer, where the guy of second date prescience fame realised his dream, or perhaps destiny.
But what about the slightly less than ideal ceremonies, brought about not so much by true love as by undeniable pregnancy? Is the one you accidentally impregnate the one? Christians, along with all mankind, make unwise decisions with undesired consequences. Where does that leave dreams of "the one"? Is it a case of having to settle for less?
The short answer is I don't know. But what I think might need to happen is that we stop putting all of our energy into finding the one and more time preparing ourselves to be people able to love just one woman or man for the rest of our lives. As my recently married brother will tell you, finding the one is the easy part - loving the one for the rest of your life is where it gets a bit trickier.
it was four dates
ReplyDeleteImagine this. In your life you get the chance to enter the Greatest Treasure Hunt in the World. The Prize is the greatest prize you could possibly imagine. You don't have to enter the Hunt but why shouldn't you? It's not like there's only One prize. The advertising clearly states there is one Top Prize available to every contestant but it also makes note that there are literally millions of runner-up prizes. It as good as guarantees some form of result but, in a well highlighted Disclamier, makes no promises for happiness outside of the 'potential'.
ReplyDeleteSo here you have this global Treasure Hunt. Time was you were given a map, which after inspection showed that your prize was down the road, a few farms over and conveniently came with two cows and a small sum of crumpled up cash. In today's world it's different. You can win one of a huge variety of prizes. In fact, such is the human condition that these days most participants think they can win whatever prize they want. They as good as demand it. They dress it up as the 'prize' they were destined to take home, but essentially they find what they were looking for in the end, whether they realized it or not.
So here it is, the Hunt. What do I do? Where do I go? What are the rules? How do I win?
Who knows, man? That's what it comes down to. And here's why that's interesting. Nobody knows anything about strategy because people are so involved in the Treasure Hunt itself that they don't realize it's all a massive hoax. There is no Top Prize. It doesn't exist. That happiness people who are in love tell you they have, it's not real. Maybe they won a really, really good prize, maybe an Excellent Prize but they didn't win the Ultimate Prize because the Ultimate Prize (True Love) is a sham, a hoax and a sham. That idealistic, altruistic notion of love Lesbians speak about in hushed tones at Lesbian poetry readings is pants. Even for the Lesbians.
Now, if you believe that, and I suspect you don't cousin Declan, where then is the point in anything? It only serves to validate your own nothingness. The thing everyone is striving for, pure happiness, isn't even attainable?! What the f***? I need a refund. Give me back my money, I don`t want to hunt treasure anymore.
So, what do you do? You lie to yourself, of course. You 'believe' in the Top Prize. You remain on the quest and eventually life wears you down enough that you decide the Hunt is over. Knowingly or otherwise, you will invest in something that isn`t The Notebook, that isn`t Luke and Peyton, that isn`t a shy but saucy French peasant girl. Then people tell you that it`s work. It`s hard work. Love isn`t easy, they`ll say. They`re probably right, I dunno, I can`t attest to it either way, having never married, at 24.
The point is, if there really isn`t a Top Prize, how can you give any value to the other prizes out there. Realistically there must be at least ten millions girls I would consider marrying right now. How can I gauge my feelings for any of them if I`m not marking them against perfection in my head. What is love if there is no True Love and why has my question mark key stopped working...
Life sucks man. But you`re gonna need more than a helmet, `cos it`s a serious ride.
There's a lot to chew on there, and I could fill a few blog posts in response. But I wont. Obviously we approach things from two opposing worldviews, but the perhaps ironic thing is that we're not a million miles away in our diagnosis of the human condition. In fact we're very close. Your assesment of "true love" as being something unattainable is no doubt accurate. The Jewish sect of which I am a part of says that this is the case. As GK Chesterton says, human depravity (our inability to love perfectly one might say) is the one church doctrine which can be proved. This same Jewish sect has a solution though: the cross.
ReplyDeleteIs the Christian belief that the cross has fixed everything, and that we can now love perfectly because of it? No, but at the cross is found the beginnings and the power of reconciliation. At the cross is where "true love" triumphed over the crap that we as human beings have gotten ourselves into.
This is the Christian solution to a problem we all know exists. You may not agree that it is a solution, you may think that no solution exists. But perhaps unfortunately for we Christians, a Jewish man from Nazareth dying on a Roman cross is all we got. I happen to think, upon much reflection, that it is all we need. Of course we now only know in part. We don't see the full effects. But something happened in history 2000 years ago which has started something new: new creation, where love and life win.
I don't know, Dec. A place 'where love and life win'? That sounds like a magical land Christians tell you they live in. Who knows, maybe they do. But then, maybe all that praying, meditating and worshipping brings a form of peace and tranquility to the Christian? Relaxes them and allows them the time to focus on doing good and being honest. Maybe that's the manifestation of the 'new creation'.
ReplyDeleteWhat I get from you is that you agree that we cannot love selflessly but you believe that God can fix that for you. I doubt that. I mean, His whole altruistic spiel is that he sacrificed the life of His son out of love for man but in reality look what happened. His son came back to heaven where he belonged, after a pretty crappy life, and with him came who-knows-how-many followers. Meanwhile, we all get left here at His mercy. To laugh, dance, eat, drink, starve, kill, rape and die as we will for the duration of our lives.
Seems like a hefty reward for such a selfless act, never mind the sharply contrasting shafting humans just took. What do we get in exchange though? And who told YOU about all this Christian stuff? And who told them, and who told them... Follow the path. History, to Christianity's detriment, is littered with people.
- It's like Lenin said, 'you look for the person who will benefit... and... uh...'
- 'I am the Walrus'?
I won't lie - there is an uncomfortable tension in the Christian worldview. The tension between old creation and new, between inauguration and consummation. If I make it sound like we live in a magical land then I don't mean to. But the message we have IS one of hope. Not the hope that your life will be immediately fixed when you have faith, but the hope that the Authority over creation is committed to restoring said creation, and has shown as much by becoming part of creation and suffering on behalf of creation. Don't get me wrong - everything hasn't been put to rights, not for Christians and not for anyone else. We all occupy the same broken world.
ReplyDeleteReading The Corner by Simon and Burns has opened my eyes to whole new levels of brokenness, of human depravity. Human desire has left a little corner of the world ravaged: ravaged by greed, murder, addiction, dysfunction. And yet in the middle of all of this, at the MLK Rec Centre, a Christian woman runs a daily kids club, catering for the children whose parents roam the streets looking for their next fix. It's perhaps only a drop on a vast ocean, but that's a little piece of the kingdom of God, right in the heart of Baltimore.
Now I'm not saying that Christianity fixes things, but God hasn't left this world to its own devices. He's chosen human beings to carry out His work by His power. I could mention the Holy Spirit at this stage, but given some of the things you and I were exposed to growing up in church that would probably only hurt my point. :-)
There's some more stuff I could say about heaven and the various interpretations of what kind of God do we mean when we use the word, but for that kind of talk I'll recommend a book called Simply Christian by N.T. Wright. It might make a nice change from atheistic existentialism. :-)