I saw the latest 'Mummy' movie a couple of days ago. It is not a good movie, and this is coming from someone who actually found the first two 'Mummy' movies quite enjoyable. That's not to say I didn't have fun watching this film of course. I have some form of masochistic side to me that enjoys seeing horrible, horrible films (which I'm sure is the same side that urges me to switch the channel to E4 when One Tree Hill is on). Not all bad films qualify though. They usually have to be fast-paced, contain 'witty banter' that is neither witty nor banter, and star someone who is nice to look at.
The Mummy ticked all three of these boxes and then some, so my dark side was left more than satisfied by the awfulness on display. For starters, there were no actual mummies in this movie called 'The Mummy'. A bit misleading, don't you think? Yes there was a dead person who was brought back to life, but not all dead people brought back to life qualify as mummies. I mean are the makers of this movie planning on basing their next 'Mummy' movie on Jesus? I should think not. The fact that this movie about mummies has no mummies in it is a very good indication as to the thought that went into it - minimal, if any.
What makes it hard for me is the fact that Al Gough and Miles Miller (creators of Smallville) wrote this thrash. Despite what anyone tells you, Smallville was once a very good show. And so I must ask, have Gough and Miller just completely lost it when it comes to writing? They must have written the script for this around the same time they penned season 4 of Smaillville, which I hope for their sakes was around the same time they both went on a year-long drug and alcohol fuelled binge. At least that would provide an explanation for the utter crap they produced during that time period.
Another problem I had with this film was that most of the main actors in it were playing characters of a different nationality to their own. Now of course when that's done well there's no problem, but when people can't be bothered keeping up an accent it just gets annoying. We had an American lady pretending to be English, an Australian pretending to be American, a Scot pretending to be English (after all William Wallace did for you!?), and Brendan Fraser pretending to be an actor. Why didn't the casting directors just hire people form the country their character was from? Were they so struggling to find people that they had to use any idiot who for some reason read the script and actually agreed to act in this film, even if said idiot was the completely wrong nationality for the part? Yeah, that sounds about right.
As for the plot, there were Yeti's in this movie. I think that speaks for itself. Basically, things just kind of had to be done for no apparent reason. Initially we're lead to believe that if a stone is placed in some special place then the Dragon Emperor will be awoken and immortal and so forth. But then once that's done another clause on the immortality contract appears, then another, and so on until the hour and a half is up.
One of the dumbest scenes (and please believe me when I stress that this is saying a lot) is when this army of dead soldiers is awoken by the good witch (played by Michelle Yeoh, who made this movie a little easier on the eye) and they run out of their grave all fired up and ready for some killin'. They see Brendan Fraser and gang and are about to slash them to pieces until, wait for it, Brendan Fraser actually reasons with them [?]. He's like 'No, we're with ye' and then these killing machines who don't actually speak English just cease from attacking them and instead go after the bad guys. Huh?
I could go on and on, but this film isn't worth it. Unless you're like me and you derive pleasure from pain, don't go see this movie. Or at least don't pay for it anyway. Go see The Dark Knight again instead (assuming you've already seen it).
To give you one final insight into the badness of this movie, there is a scene where the two love interests are having this ridiculously cheesy conversation, and one of the guys in the cinema just sighs and says, "Ah for f**k sake". Excusing the potty mouth, I think he spoke for us all at that moment in time, and what's more, he had me laughing for about 5 minutes. The perfect reaction to a most imperfect film.
The Mummy ticked all three of these boxes and then some, so my dark side was left more than satisfied by the awfulness on display. For starters, there were no actual mummies in this movie called 'The Mummy'. A bit misleading, don't you think? Yes there was a dead person who was brought back to life, but not all dead people brought back to life qualify as mummies. I mean are the makers of this movie planning on basing their next 'Mummy' movie on Jesus? I should think not. The fact that this movie about mummies has no mummies in it is a very good indication as to the thought that went into it - minimal, if any.
What makes it hard for me is the fact that Al Gough and Miles Miller (creators of Smallville) wrote this thrash. Despite what anyone tells you, Smallville was once a very good show. And so I must ask, have Gough and Miller just completely lost it when it comes to writing? They must have written the script for this around the same time they penned season 4 of Smaillville, which I hope for their sakes was around the same time they both went on a year-long drug and alcohol fuelled binge. At least that would provide an explanation for the utter crap they produced during that time period.
Another problem I had with this film was that most of the main actors in it were playing characters of a different nationality to their own. Now of course when that's done well there's no problem, but when people can't be bothered keeping up an accent it just gets annoying. We had an American lady pretending to be English, an Australian pretending to be American, a Scot pretending to be English (after all William Wallace did for you!?), and Brendan Fraser pretending to be an actor. Why didn't the casting directors just hire people form the country their character was from? Were they so struggling to find people that they had to use any idiot who for some reason read the script and actually agreed to act in this film, even if said idiot was the completely wrong nationality for the part? Yeah, that sounds about right.
As for the plot, there were Yeti's in this movie. I think that speaks for itself. Basically, things just kind of had to be done for no apparent reason. Initially we're lead to believe that if a stone is placed in some special place then the Dragon Emperor will be awoken and immortal and so forth. But then once that's done another clause on the immortality contract appears, then another, and so on until the hour and a half is up.
One of the dumbest scenes (and please believe me when I stress that this is saying a lot) is when this army of dead soldiers is awoken by the good witch (played by Michelle Yeoh, who made this movie a little easier on the eye) and they run out of their grave all fired up and ready for some killin'. They see Brendan Fraser and gang and are about to slash them to pieces until, wait for it, Brendan Fraser actually reasons with them [?]. He's like 'No, we're with ye' and then these killing machines who don't actually speak English just cease from attacking them and instead go after the bad guys. Huh?
I could go on and on, but this film isn't worth it. Unless you're like me and you derive pleasure from pain, don't go see this movie. Or at least don't pay for it anyway. Go see The Dark Knight again instead (assuming you've already seen it).
To give you one final insight into the badness of this movie, there is a scene where the two love interests are having this ridiculously cheesy conversation, and one of the guys in the cinema just sighs and says, "Ah for f**k sake". Excusing the potty mouth, I think he spoke for us all at that moment in time, and what's more, he had me laughing for about 5 minutes. The perfect reaction to a most imperfect film.
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