I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day (and believe it or not, it wasn't Paul). Anyway, one thing lead to another, and before I knew it we were talking about 'relationships'. Oh dear. It was actually a really good conversation, and during it this person put me on to a sermon on dating (or recreational dating) by Paul Washer.
For those of you who don't know Paul Washer, he's one of those guys who after he says something, you sarcastically say 'So tell me what you really think, Paul'. Kind of like a Christian Eamonn Dunphy, except what he says makes sense. This man shoots from the hip, and mince his words he certainly does not.
You may find him offensive, you may find him hard to swallow, but what he says is very much worth considering, and needs only to be tested against Scripture, not against our personal preferences and fancies.
Anyway, I'll give you a run down on (some of) this particular sermon, and maybe add in some of my own thoughts. But before I do that, I want to make sure you understand that this isn't meant to be preachy in the least. I'm not doing this to give you rules to follow. This post is just food for thought. These are Paul Washer's beliefs, and so my goal is to present you with them and get you thinking (as I am) about this fiery topic. You're under no obligation to agree, and you're certainly under no obligation to feel condemned, but I'd encourage you to really examine what's being said.
There is clearly something wrong with the way our culture does 'relationships'. I think deep down everyone knows this. The question we have to ask ourselves is are we going to settle for the status quo or are we going to strive for something better, even if it means looking foolish? And so, to Paul Washer...
"OK, now we will talk a bit about the ungodly, demonic, worldly, sensual practice of dating". Tell us what you really think, Paul. He says that it would be proper to attach another word, just to make things clearer, and that word is 'recreational' - as in 'recreational dating'. He also says this practice of recreational dating is not just restricted to secular culture, but it's prevalent in Christendom also.
So what is 'recreational dating'? Well Washer sums it up as "dating for the fun of it". It's "getting into some sort of relationship, just because you think you would like it". He then gives a statistic which is quite surprising, although I obviously can't verify it, nor does he. He says that on entering marriage, the average Christian has had 5 relationships of note with the opposite sex (on the bright side, at least they were with the opposite sex. Amen?). Does that seem like a plausible statistic? Honestly, I think so. Is it a statistic to be proud of? I think not.
He sort of expands on the kind of relationships he's talking about, first off by saying that sex doesn't have to be involved. He's talking about the coming together of two people that has 'the hint of the romantic to it; the hint of companionship to it'.
And so what happens on the marriage day? He says that "you're not whole, because you've given a part of yourself to 5 different people". He also says that "whether you realise it or not, it will affect the way you look at your wife, the way you look at your husband. It will affect everything about your marriage more than you would dare to believe".
These sound like hard words, don't they? I hear them and I think 'Well Paul. What about forgiveness and restoration and God making us whole?' It's true. God does forgive us if we've sinned. God does create in us clean hearts. But He doesn't remove consequences. Just ask King David. When Paul Washer says 'more than we would dare to believe' it's not just a figure of speech. What we do now has consequences later. We just don't want to even think about them, lest we not be able to do as we please with a guilt-free conscience.
Washer then informs those who aren't aware that dating is a modern phenomenon. Go back 150 years and you won't find it, not even in secular culture. However, fast forward to present day and "we wonder why marriages have gone to seed, we wonder why there's immorality rampant everywhere -- including what is called 'Christendom' in America -- and maybe we ought to just put two and two together". In other words "the last 100 years things have gotten a lot worse, the last 100 years dating has become prominent".
Is recreational dating the cause of all of this immorality? Frankly, no. I think Paul Washer would agree that our hearts are the cause of all of this widespread immorality. But I can see his point, in that recreational dating (I'm just gonna call it 'dating' from now on) is most people's starting point on the road to sexual immorality. And since it has become such an accepted practice, is it little wonder that things are turning out as they are in modern day society?
After telling his audience that "you don't know what you think you know" (something that not only applies to teenagers --who I assume he's talking to here -- but also idiots like me), he goes on to ask a simple yet telling question. A question every Christian needs to ask himself or herself.
"Where did you learn all the things you know about romance and sex? From whom did you learn it? The Bible? Or television, and friends, and other things?"
Is it not a sad but true reality that most of what we learn comes from television and other friends who are as equally clueless as we are? We might not think that's the case. We might think we just watch these shows for entertainment, but we don't actually learn anything from them. I'm afraid we might be wrong. I'd like to think that One Tree Hill hasn't affected how I view relationships -- largely because that would be an incredibly embarrassing thing to admit -- but the fact of the matter is, it has. And so have lots of other shows I've watched throughout the years.
I mean just yesterday on Friends, Joey said to Ross concerning Rachel's departure to Paris something along the lines of "Maybe sleeping with her was the perfect way to say goodbye". I don't want to sound like a hypocrite here. I've seen a lot of episodes of Friends, and it used to be a very funny show (it got crap after season 5, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong). But read Joey's words again. I know he became an idiot towards the end of the series, but that sentence sums up what the media portrays as acceptable behaviour, and it's affecting all of us, whether we 'dare to believe it or not'.
I mean according to Joey, sex is now a form of goodbye? Whatever happened to an old fashioned handshake, or a hug even? To quote Mr Martin from McGee and Me, 'Garbage in, garbage out'. Again, I don't want to sound preachy here. This is just food for thought, both for myself and others. And as I said at the beginning, everyone knows there is something wrong here - Christians and non-Christians alike. How do we all know? Because when we engage in the kind of relationships the media portrays, they never truly satisfy. Ever. They might for a brief moment, but then it's gone and more damage than good is done.
At the risk of sounding preachy I'm going to stop writing shortly. My final point, and the thing that I've found most thought-provoking from this particular sermon, is the role of parents in the whole process. If someone is prone to dating etc, then dollars to donuts that person hasn't been either listening to or receiving the council from their parents that they should have.
This may be a slightly harsh generalization, but I think that Christian parents today have a lot to answer for in terms of their children's morality or lack thereof. How engaged are parents with their children and what they get up to? How much time do they spend going through what the Bible teaches on love and marriage and healthy relationships? How much discipline is carried out? How much tough love is floating around?
Maybe you're reading this thinking you're beyond the need for council, but if you're anything like me then you're probably not. My advice for you and I is to go back to the basics. Go back to the Bible. Listen to the wisdom of godly men and women in your life, who know the pitfalls this world has to offer and can help you to avoid them. We don't have to experience something in order to know it's harmful. I mean have you ever put your face in an open fire? Then how do you know it will burn you?
Also, I think one of the biggest mistakes people around my age (20's) can make is to think that just because we've reached that independent age, a relationship we enter will automatically be mature and healthy. Not so. We can have the bodies of people in their 20's (or in my case, an 8 year old boy), but the way we enter a relationship and the goal we have for it can be no different to that of a someone we consider a "foolish" teenager. We're just too proud to admit it. Thoroughly examining our motives, our hearts, and allowing God to rigorously search us must be at the foundation of a relationship. If it's not, then what is? Our feelings? If so, then oh dear.
Obviously there's no sure way of getting it right in one go. We may fall for a woman or man, bring it to God, seek the advice of others, begin to date (as in godly date), and then he or she could end things for one reason or another. I'm not 100% sure, but I imagine the repercussions of such a relationship are much less severe than for the person who just charges in and leaves God behind. These are complicated matters of course, but I guess I'm just thinking out loud here.
There's plenty more I've left out from this sermon, but here's the link if you're interested:
Dating - Paul Washer
And once more, this isn't me preaching to you, nor is it me condemning anyone. I come at this topic very much humbly and void of any real wisdom. The perfect life and the perfect marriage etc are not on offer to us. By nature we will make mistakes and sin, but thank God (literally) there is total and complete forgiveness.
This is a truth that should give peace to our souls. However, we must not make the mistake of thinking our actions don't have consequences. Of course in Christ we will receive the strength to overcome them, but it will be a battle, and there will be hurt and pain and so forth.
There is a better way though. A narrower path. My only hope is that this has got you thinking about what that looks like, or at least what that doesn't look like (I'm aware there's not much actual advice here, but listen to Paul Washer's sermon if you'd like to hear more of what he has to say on the topic).
And now, may you...
(Anyone who read my NOOMA recaps will hopefully have gotten that silly little joke. To the rest of you, go read those recaps! A web of private jokes will open up to you should you do so.)
For those of you who don't know Paul Washer, he's one of those guys who after he says something, you sarcastically say 'So tell me what you really think, Paul'. Kind of like a Christian Eamonn Dunphy, except what he says makes sense. This man shoots from the hip, and mince his words he certainly does not.
You may find him offensive, you may find him hard to swallow, but what he says is very much worth considering, and needs only to be tested against Scripture, not against our personal preferences and fancies.
Anyway, I'll give you a run down on (some of) this particular sermon, and maybe add in some of my own thoughts. But before I do that, I want to make sure you understand that this isn't meant to be preachy in the least. I'm not doing this to give you rules to follow. This post is just food for thought. These are Paul Washer's beliefs, and so my goal is to present you with them and get you thinking (as I am) about this fiery topic. You're under no obligation to agree, and you're certainly under no obligation to feel condemned, but I'd encourage you to really examine what's being said.
There is clearly something wrong with the way our culture does 'relationships'. I think deep down everyone knows this. The question we have to ask ourselves is are we going to settle for the status quo or are we going to strive for something better, even if it means looking foolish? And so, to Paul Washer...
"OK, now we will talk a bit about the ungodly, demonic, worldly, sensual practice of dating". Tell us what you really think, Paul. He says that it would be proper to attach another word, just to make things clearer, and that word is 'recreational' - as in 'recreational dating'. He also says this practice of recreational dating is not just restricted to secular culture, but it's prevalent in Christendom also.
So what is 'recreational dating'? Well Washer sums it up as "dating for the fun of it". It's "getting into some sort of relationship, just because you think you would like it". He then gives a statistic which is quite surprising, although I obviously can't verify it, nor does he. He says that on entering marriage, the average Christian has had 5 relationships of note with the opposite sex (on the bright side, at least they were with the opposite sex. Amen?). Does that seem like a plausible statistic? Honestly, I think so. Is it a statistic to be proud of? I think not.
He sort of expands on the kind of relationships he's talking about, first off by saying that sex doesn't have to be involved. He's talking about the coming together of two people that has 'the hint of the romantic to it; the hint of companionship to it'.
And so what happens on the marriage day? He says that "you're not whole, because you've given a part of yourself to 5 different people". He also says that "whether you realise it or not, it will affect the way you look at your wife, the way you look at your husband. It will affect everything about your marriage more than you would dare to believe".
These sound like hard words, don't they? I hear them and I think 'Well Paul. What about forgiveness and restoration and God making us whole?' It's true. God does forgive us if we've sinned. God does create in us clean hearts. But He doesn't remove consequences. Just ask King David. When Paul Washer says 'more than we would dare to believe' it's not just a figure of speech. What we do now has consequences later. We just don't want to even think about them, lest we not be able to do as we please with a guilt-free conscience.
Washer then informs those who aren't aware that dating is a modern phenomenon. Go back 150 years and you won't find it, not even in secular culture. However, fast forward to present day and "we wonder why marriages have gone to seed, we wonder why there's immorality rampant everywhere -- including what is called 'Christendom' in America -- and maybe we ought to just put two and two together". In other words "the last 100 years things have gotten a lot worse, the last 100 years dating has become prominent".
Is recreational dating the cause of all of this immorality? Frankly, no. I think Paul Washer would agree that our hearts are the cause of all of this widespread immorality. But I can see his point, in that recreational dating (I'm just gonna call it 'dating' from now on) is most people's starting point on the road to sexual immorality. And since it has become such an accepted practice, is it little wonder that things are turning out as they are in modern day society?
After telling his audience that "you don't know what you think you know" (something that not only applies to teenagers --who I assume he's talking to here -- but also idiots like me), he goes on to ask a simple yet telling question. A question every Christian needs to ask himself or herself.
"Where did you learn all the things you know about romance and sex? From whom did you learn it? The Bible? Or television, and friends, and other things?"
Is it not a sad but true reality that most of what we learn comes from television and other friends who are as equally clueless as we are? We might not think that's the case. We might think we just watch these shows for entertainment, but we don't actually learn anything from them. I'm afraid we might be wrong. I'd like to think that One Tree Hill hasn't affected how I view relationships -- largely because that would be an incredibly embarrassing thing to admit -- but the fact of the matter is, it has. And so have lots of other shows I've watched throughout the years.
I mean just yesterday on Friends, Joey said to Ross concerning Rachel's departure to Paris something along the lines of "Maybe sleeping with her was the perfect way to say goodbye". I don't want to sound like a hypocrite here. I've seen a lot of episodes of Friends, and it used to be a very funny show (it got crap after season 5, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong). But read Joey's words again. I know he became an idiot towards the end of the series, but that sentence sums up what the media portrays as acceptable behaviour, and it's affecting all of us, whether we 'dare to believe it or not'.
I mean according to Joey, sex is now a form of goodbye? Whatever happened to an old fashioned handshake, or a hug even? To quote Mr Martin from McGee and Me, 'Garbage in, garbage out'. Again, I don't want to sound preachy here. This is just food for thought, both for myself and others. And as I said at the beginning, everyone knows there is something wrong here - Christians and non-Christians alike. How do we all know? Because when we engage in the kind of relationships the media portrays, they never truly satisfy. Ever. They might for a brief moment, but then it's gone and more damage than good is done.
At the risk of sounding preachy I'm going to stop writing shortly. My final point, and the thing that I've found most thought-provoking from this particular sermon, is the role of parents in the whole process. If someone is prone to dating etc, then dollars to donuts that person hasn't been either listening to or receiving the council from their parents that they should have.
This may be a slightly harsh generalization, but I think that Christian parents today have a lot to answer for in terms of their children's morality or lack thereof. How engaged are parents with their children and what they get up to? How much time do they spend going through what the Bible teaches on love and marriage and healthy relationships? How much discipline is carried out? How much tough love is floating around?
Maybe you're reading this thinking you're beyond the need for council, but if you're anything like me then you're probably not. My advice for you and I is to go back to the basics. Go back to the Bible. Listen to the wisdom of godly men and women in your life, who know the pitfalls this world has to offer and can help you to avoid them. We don't have to experience something in order to know it's harmful. I mean have you ever put your face in an open fire? Then how do you know it will burn you?
Also, I think one of the biggest mistakes people around my age (20's) can make is to think that just because we've reached that independent age, a relationship we enter will automatically be mature and healthy. Not so. We can have the bodies of people in their 20's (or in my case, an 8 year old boy), but the way we enter a relationship and the goal we have for it can be no different to that of a someone we consider a "foolish" teenager. We're just too proud to admit it. Thoroughly examining our motives, our hearts, and allowing God to rigorously search us must be at the foundation of a relationship. If it's not, then what is? Our feelings? If so, then oh dear.
Obviously there's no sure way of getting it right in one go. We may fall for a woman or man, bring it to God, seek the advice of others, begin to date (as in godly date), and then he or she could end things for one reason or another. I'm not 100% sure, but I imagine the repercussions of such a relationship are much less severe than for the person who just charges in and leaves God behind. These are complicated matters of course, but I guess I'm just thinking out loud here.
There's plenty more I've left out from this sermon, but here's the link if you're interested:
Dating - Paul Washer
And once more, this isn't me preaching to you, nor is it me condemning anyone. I come at this topic very much humbly and void of any real wisdom. The perfect life and the perfect marriage etc are not on offer to us. By nature we will make mistakes and sin, but thank God (literally) there is total and complete forgiveness.
As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
This is a truth that should give peace to our souls. However, we must not make the mistake of thinking our actions don't have consequences. Of course in Christ we will receive the strength to overcome them, but it will be a battle, and there will be hurt and pain and so forth.
There is a better way though. A narrower path. My only hope is that this has got you thinking about what that looks like, or at least what that doesn't look like (I'm aware there's not much actual advice here, but listen to Paul Washer's sermon if you'd like to hear more of what he has to say on the topic).
And now, may you...
(Anyone who read my NOOMA recaps will hopefully have gotten that silly little joke. To the rest of you, go read those recaps! A web of private jokes will open up to you should you do so.)
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